Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 27 July 2011

image for Jeremy Clarkson has a verruca
Clarkson's foot, in a shoe, hiding the verruca

Unbelievably popular television journalist, Jeremy Clarkson, has - according to chiropody reports - got a verruca.

The chiropody reports, liberated from a Chipping Norton waste paper bin and painstakingly glued back together from their shredded remains, indicate that the verruca is on Clarkson's right foot, just below the big toe. Pete Patrician, the world's foremost expert on verrucas, has examined the report.

"Judging by the intensive treatment that is being prescribed to treat this verruca," said Patrician, "I would hazard that it is quite a large verruca. Possibly even five millimetres across."

According to Patrician, a verruca of this size will be painful to walk on, with even the slightest pressure sending waves of pain hurtling up Clarkson's overly long spine.

At first it seems all is not bad news.

"Driving a car with a verruca of this size would be virtually impossible," said Patrician. "Even lightly pressing the accelerator would result in unbearable agony."

This news explains the constant pained expression on Clarkson's face in this series of Top Gear, and suggests that we may be seeing less of Clarkson waxing unmelodious at the camera as he hurtles round an airfield at a hundred and sixty miles an hour in a Nissan Micra.

Unfortunately, Clarkson himself has scoffed such rumours.

"Yes it's true I have a verruca," Clarkson said. "And if I have to say, it's possibly the largest verruca ever seen on a human. It is about the size of a small EU nation. However this is the twenty-first century, so amputation is not needed. Instead I'm having it frozen and I'm wearing a cushioned plaster. Isn't modern medicine marvellous. Now, how fast can I make a Porche go in second gear?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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