Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 28 July 2011

image for Lions Face Films Cancels The Rob Pattinson - Taylor Lautner Movie 'The Amazing Secrets Of The Taliban' Due To Extreme Pressure From The Taliban
Brooklyn Decker will not be appearing in The Amazing Secrets of The Taliban.

LOS ANGELES - A spokesman representing Lions Face Films has informed the motion picture industry that production on The Amazing Secrets of The Taliban movie has been cancelled.

Cleveland Clackerwitz a high ranking executive with Lions Face informed reporter Missy Wonderbox with Hollywood Innuendo that the movie which was to have starred Rob Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Scarlett Johansson, Brooklyn Decker, Matt Damon, and Eva Longoria has been scrapped.

When asked why Clackerwitz was quite hesitant to say but after much prodding from Miss Wonderbox and the threat of revealing some rather intimately compromising photos to the general media Mr. Clackerwitz was only to happy to comply and answer the question.

Clackerwitz, whose family made billions in the Velcro industry, stated that he had actually written to one of the top officials in the Taliban organization, a Mr. Karlinpura "Karachi Karl" Rawamundi and asked him to verify certain facts and figures that he was going to include in the motion picture.

Immediately Mr. Rawamundi informed him that he did not want for Matt Damon to portray him and that he wanted to be portrayed by George Clooney who looked a whole lot more like him than the baby faced Damon

Clackerwitz wrote back saying that Clooney had not been signed to appear in the movie and that they would be going with Matt Damon to portray him in the film.

Rawamundi also made it known that he did not want for Longoria to portray his wife Sharkinda and that he much preferred her to be played by the extremely bosomy Sports Illustrated model Brooklyn Decker.

Clackerwitz said that Sharkinda would be portrayed by Eva Longoria since both are the same exact height and even though Eva is no where as endowed in the tata department as either Sharkinda Raramundi or Brooklyn Decker she has already signed the contract that stipulates that she will be portraying Sharkinda Raramundi.

Raramundi then texted him a bunch of extremely personal information regarding Clackerwitz maternal grandmother, his paternal grandfather, his parents, all of his uncles and aunts, each one of his nine children, and even all of his neighbors.

He then showed him some before and after photos and asked that Mr. Clackerwitz respectfully drop his idea of filming his movie The Secrets of The Taliban immediately if not sooner.

Clackerwitz texted him back right away saying that the plans for the Taliban movie have been totally scrapped and that he is instead going to be filming a romantic-vampire comedy titled, The Vavavooming Vampires of Venice Beach.

July 29 is National Lipstick Day and this year three full-lipped women who are being honored are Angelina Jolie, Priscilla Presley, and Fantasia Barrino.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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