Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 23 July 2011

image for Scarlett Johansson Finally Dumps Old Sean Penn For Good And Hooks Up With Justin Bartha of "The Hangover Part II"
The inside of one of Scarlett and Justin's favorite Manhattan bars, The Plastered Platypus.

MANHATTAN - After having an exhaustive on-again, off-again May-December relationship with Sean Penn, Scarlett Johansson has finally dumped the 50-year-old for good.

ScarJo told Vodka Vermicelli of iRumors that she just got fed up with the way that Penn talked to her and treated her. She said that he acted as if he was Marc Anthony and she was Jennifer Lopez with Penn telling her to bring him a beer, and bring him a BLT sandwich, and scratch the back of his neck.

The 26-year-old Johansson said that the final blow was when he told her that he wanted for her to get a tattoo on her ass that read "This ass is the property of Sean Penn."

She exploded and told the egomaniacal Penn that not only would she never get a tattoo with his name, she would never even get a damn T-shirt with his name on it.

ScarJo then took off her pair of $3 flip flops he had bought for her at a Dollar General Store in Carpinteria and stormed out of his house and life.

She told him that he could keep the Rolex watch and the Willie Mays rookie baseball card that she had bought him as a token of their mutual love for the game of baseball.

Two days later Scarlett met Justin Bartha, 33, who is appearing in an off-Broadway play. The two have been seen at several local lounges and clubs in Manhattan including The Drunken Dormouse, The Plastered Platypus, The Intoxicated Iguana, and The Guzzling Gnu which is reportedly co-owned by David Letterman and Regis Philbin.

Vodka asked ScarJo point blank if her and Justin had already done the big V. A surprised Johansson asked her what the big V was. And Vodka replied that the big V stood for Vavavoom or the actual act of vavavooming.

ScarJo turned pinkish and simply shook her head sideways. Vodka asked if she could take that as a no and ScarJo again shook her head but this time it was up and down.

Justin Bartha, who recently appeared in The Hangover Part II, says that he is thrilled as the dickens to be with ScarJo. He just came out of a three year relationship with one half of the Olsen twins, Ashley and he noted that Scarlett and Ashley are as different as night and day.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Well duh, dude, no freaking kidding. That Scarlett Johansson is one hell of damn, good-looking, sexy babe! YUMMMMM-Y! ]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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