Written by IainB
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Topics: Trains, Top Gear, jaguar, Audi

Sunday, 17 July 2011

image for Top Gear have to use a German car
National Rail apologise for Top Gear

Top Gear have admitted that the English car they tried, an E-Type Jag, was not up to the job of pulling five caravans along a stretch of Britain's rail network, and had to switch to using an Audi, a German car.

"We really wanted to use an English car," said Jeremy Clarkson. "Really we did. We bought one and retrofitted it with train wheels and everything. It's in the show, but it wasn't up to the job. It could run on the rails, but it couldn't pull 5 caravans."

The Audi, however was up to the job. "The Audi was bloody wonderful," said James May. "It just did it. Of course it might have been because I was driving it, and I realise that accelerator pedals have a wide variety of positions. Unlike Jezza, who thinks they have two positions, car stopped and car going fast."

The irony of the German car being used as the train was not lost on the Top Gear team.

"All of Britain's trains are now made in Germany," said Richard Hammond, who is no relation of Doctor Philip Hammond. "I can understand why now. The best our auto industry has to offer, and it can't do the traditionally British thing of pulling more than one caravan along a railway line. It doesn't get more British than that. Maybe when our cars can do this, our trains will be made here again."

Ben Mercedes, spokesherr for Audi, was not surprised. "Even though our cars are not designed to run on rails pulling five caravans, it is something we considered in the design process."

Clarkson was unabashed. "I don't care if the German's can pull five caravans, the Jag was faster. And it didn't break down."

National Rail Network apologised to people of Loughborough for any delays in the train timetable due to the stupidity of Top Gear.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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