Written by IainB
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Friday, 15 July 2011

image for Superhero study: very revealing
"Why do I have a shadow when the light is pointing upwards? Hmmm

In the largest study of its kind, indeed, the only study of its kind ever carried out, the Marvellous Applied Comic Knowledge course at Milton Keynes university has discovered a remarkable correlation between superheroes.

The better their super powers, the less intelligent they are.

"It's quite remarkable," said professor of comicology, Ivor Hoseed. "I've spent the last ten years compiling a lit of all the superheroes and how good their powers are, and correlating this against their intelligence rated on a number of factors."

Hoseed gives Superman and Batman as examples at opposite ends of the super spectrum.

"Take Batman for instance," Hoseed said. "He has no superpowers at all, and is the most intelligent of all the superheroes, able to create cool gadgets, be a rich playboy, learn outstanding martial arts and think his way out of his sticky situations. No matter how you look at it, Bruce Wayne is one clever guy."

Superman, on the other hand, is a different story according to Hoseed.

"Superman has every brilliant power there is, but couldn't think his way out a paper bag. As Clarke Kent, he's forever getting muddled, and it's not an act, he really does struggle to string two thoughts together. He couldn't connect the dots if they were numbered. Someties you're screaming at the page 'Just laser it!', but he never thinks of that, and ends up stuck."

This pattern even holds true among groups of superheroes like X-Men and Fantastic Four.

"Look at Mr Fantastic," Hoseed said. "He's stretchy, which you have to admit, is not really all that useful a super power. But he's the brains of the group. While the super strong, super fast, invulnerable Thing is as dumb as the bricks he's made from."

Hoseed has graphs and statistics to back up his impressive case. There is no doubt that his theory holds water.

Jerry Siegel, the creator of Superman, who died in 1996, has been remarkably quiet over the whole Superman is Super Dumb claim. His daughter, Laura, spoke on her father's behalf.

"That Hoseed needs to get a life," she said. "What a waste of time."

On hearing of her words, Hoseed said. "It's pronounced Oh See Dee."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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