Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Bono, U2, Rock Music, tour, Bingo

Saturday, 9 July 2011

image for Bing-No: Bono Bans Bingo On Bands Bus
"Me ego used t'e be dis big...but now i's bigger dan de wurld, so it is!"

Short-arsed Irish singing turd, Bono, has banned bingo on the U2 tour bus, say insiders.

The loud-mouthed leprechaun had a hissy-fit after bassist Adam Clayton won three times on the trot. Bono, almost named after the famous dog treat, is said to have torn his ticket up in anger, and shaken his fist at a mildly giggling Clayton.

"He was livid", said an insider "he was swearing and cursing in his squeaky little Irish voice, and he threw his dabber at the bus driver."

Tensions started when The Edge, stupidly named guitarist to the most boring band on the planet, had successfully called a full house earlier in the evening. This had deeply upset Bono, as he only needed one more number himself.

The problem was then compounded when the drummer, whose name isn't important because no one can actually remember who he is, or what he looks like, scored two lines in quick succession. Fearing that his grip on the game was slipping, Bono sent him to bed, and refused to pay his winnings.

The game continued in earnest, with Bono becoming increasingly agitated, as game by game he came no closer to winning.

"The last straw was Adam calling 'house' for a third time," said the insider, "Bono went off his nut! I've seen him enraged before, like when they forgot his sprinkles on his ice cream sundae, oh, and that time he had to tie his own shoelace, but this was something else!"

Bono left the bus immediately, and continued on to their next destination in a private limousine. He issued a statement to the band via their management team, when the bus arrived at their hotel, saying that under no circumstances were any of the members to found playing Bingo again, as it's a silly game, and the previous games didn't count anyway because he said so.

The dwarfish wailer, who famously disappeared up his own arse after 'The Joshua Tree', has also banned Eye-Spy, Hangman and Travel Cluedo from being played on the bus.

Punishment for being caught playing one of the outlawed games was said to be having to listen to a 10-cassette recording of Bono talking about various humanitarian projects he was linked to, on a small Sony walkman, with those horrible orange foam covered headphones with the telescopic wire bit, that used to catch in your hair.

"What can I say?" explained an exasperated insider "he's our boss, but he is a total c**t!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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