Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: School, Harry Potter

Monday, 28 November 2005

image for Harry Potter Actress' Identity Discovered
French actress Clemence Poesy is actually Arkansas native Clementine Posey

In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, French magical school student and Tri-Wizard Tournament Participant Fleur Delacour has very few lines. Most believed it was because the actress was also French and spoke little English; press releases on the movie identified her as Clemence Poesy and seemed to confirm this rumor.

The Spoof has learned, however, that the actress in the hot gray swimsuit in actually Clementine Posey from Toad Suck, Arkansas. The reason that she had few lines in the movie was because she was unable to lose the Redneck accent. Her casting was due to her sleeping with the Director, Mike Newell, and half of the crew.

Spoof investigative journalist Jalapenoman tracked her down to a high school in Toad Suck, where she is in her third year of eighth grade. When confronted with the evidence, the young actress came clean and admitted to her deceptions. Clementine admitted that there were several problems with the movie and with her scenes. She feels that her first acting experience was not successful and does not want to pursue it as a career. When ask for more details, she gave the following information:

"They dun told me the girl was name Fleur Delacour. The French teacher at our junior high school says that means Flower of Liquor. That girl didden drink no kind of dandelion wine or nothin' during that there movie, so they lied to me. I had ta sneak my own moonshine on ta tha set if'n I needed to get a snootfull."

"I got in trouble fer sharin' with the other kids cuz they said something about underage drinkin' laws, but I did it anyway. Let me tell you, that Hermione girl ain't so uppity when she's soused. Hers was the first titties ta come out every night! She ain't got much goin for her, but the boys liked ‘em plenty fine. Them English girls just ain't built as big as us upstairs."

"I wanted ta go skinny dippin' in tha part where I'm supposed ta be swimmin' with tha mermaids an lookin' fer my sister, but they said I had to wear a big old bulky suit. They didden want me ta' shave my armpits cuz they said French girls left ‘em hairy, but I ain't no hick, so I did it anyhow."

"I also got upset at the school dance. Thar weren't no banjoes or fiddles or nothing good in that band they brought in. We didden do the "Cotton Eyed Joe" or even a line dance. It was like them folks in England never heard'a culture or good music. I tried to learn ‘em, but they was just too ignerunt."

"At the end, when I kiss ever'one goodbye, they told me I had ta do it on the cheeks and couldn't use my tongue. What kinda kissin' is that? I thought I was supposed ta be playin' a French girl, and she couldn't French anyone! When I got home and said goodnight ta my brothers, they could tell I was outta practice."

"When it were all over, they tried to pay me with English money, but I wasn't havin' none a' that. I made ‘em give me real American money. A Hunnerd dollars a week fer six weeks work on my feet and six months work on my back and knees. That's good money in these hills!"

When asked what she plans to do with her life now that her film experience is behind her, Clementine answered that she plans on getting married and "havin' a whole passel a' kids. I'm an old maid at 19 an I gotta catch up with my classmates. I plan on usin' my movie money ta get me a nice double-wide an a few acres an I'll live like tha queen of tha county!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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