Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, barely recovered from the dual ordeals of sausage flavoured lager and a malfunctioning mobile phone, this morning almost choked on his porridge when he accessed his Twitter account and saw a message posted by former Girls Aloud star and X-Factor judge Cheryl Cole.
The message read:
"Wor Ash's bin gannin doon the jewlers forra ring lyke, annit looks lyke it's mebbes gayum on forra weddin an that pet."
Upon reading the tweet, Shuttlecock was livid. Explaining that as he rarely has anything better to do with his time, he frequently contributes to satirical website www.theSpoof.com/.co.uk, and has literally milked Cheryl Cole for every last drop of satirical news he could wring out of her, Shuttlecock regards a possible remarriage between Cheryl and Ashley Cole as a complete and utter disaster zone for satirists.
"How the fuck am I supposed to spoof that?" a clearly irate Shuttlecock growled. "Has that woman gone completely mental or what? I swear, you couldn't make this shit up. The dirty arsed Chelski lowlife has cheated on her several times, texted pictures of his cock and balls to all and sundry, and now she's going to marry him! Again! Is she completely fucking mental or what? I can't spoof that! It's mission impossible for spoofers, that is!"
Sadly for Shuttlecock, researchers have revealed that Cheryl Cole satires - once a rich source of spoof points - just don't work any more because Google doesn't give them any prominence.
Not even if the writer puts the words 'penis' 'vagina' 'naked' 'nude' 'wild sex orgy' 'cocaine fuelled' or 'bestiality in the story headline.
"It's a pity really," Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne commented. "Them stories he wrote about Cheryl Cole's vagina, and Ashley's cock and bollocks texts made him a spoof points millionaire. But it looks like all that's gone out of fashion, and the humourists prefer to write letters to the editor pages and daft stories about Victorian era detectives. But to be be brutally honest, I'd rather read daft letters and pipe smoking detective stories than read about naked blokes in Cheryl Cole's shower."
Spoof Chief Executive Officer, cook, bottle washer, part time cyclist, cheese toastie abuser, and one time camper, Mike Lawson said that basically he doesn't give a toss what people write about, as long as he doesn't get sued.
In a sneaky aside, he added: "I fuckin' love it though when we get one over on the Daily Mail! Yesss! Geddin there!"
More when Lady G makes it up.