Nutty fruitcake and general winner, Charlie 'they named it after me' Sheen has been kicked out of the Scientology movement for being too much of a nut job.
"I was asked to pass on the bad news," said Scientology's leading light, Tom Cruise. "Me and Chuck go way back, but I still had a hard time finding him."
Sheen was eventually located drinking something from a brown paper bag, and stuffing Selotape up his nose under a bridge near where he filmed the iconic scenes in Hot Shots Part Deux.
"He took the news rather well," Cruise said. "I'd have expected him to break down in tears, or scream 'Why Me?' at the sky. However, he just shrugged, and said something that could have been 'waffle truck' and got on with eating a diesel soaked rat."
People who used to be close friends with Sheen have always maintained that Scientology played very little part in his life, and he'd only joined the movement to stop Tom Cruise from showing up at his house while he was partying to get him to join.
"He kept saying he'd leave when he got round to it," said former brother, Emilio Estevez. "I guess he never got around to it."
Scientology has long been the holy grail of crackpot religions, attracting wackos and weirdos from all walks of life. They've a long list of lunatic acts behind them, but Charlie Sheen's antics have brought shame on even the most bizarre religion.
"It's a shame," said Cruise. "If he'd come to some of the meetings, we could have stopped him from taking this hazardous and tortuous path. We could have rid him of his Thetans before they started causing him problems."