Written by Dr Jon
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Sunday, 26 June 2011

image for Dispirited David Lynch phones in next film, goes home
No, really, it has many layers.

Renown surrealist director David Lynch has revealed that although he was for many years secretly pleased that he could fob nonsensical bollocks off on the supposed literati of the film world, the fact that it's been just so fucking easy for the last ten years is really starting to get on his tits.

"I mean, Christ," said Lynch, whilst splicing together an old Whiskas commercial, some crude animation made up of children's drawings and a long, boring, dimly lit scene featuring Harry Dean Stanton, "I thought I got away with 'Mulholland Drive' solely because it had Naomi Watts wanking in it. But when no-one, not one single person offered me outside for making them sit through 'The Inland Empire' I twigged something was up."

Influential critics have reappraised Lynch's work in light of his candid revelations, and have identified a number of key factors that have allowed Lynch to continue directing films despite only occasionally being bothered to write a plot.

Most of this effect is down to pretentious pricks taking dates to Lynch's films to show off and then being to proud to admit that the last two hours were a complete waste sodding time for fear of looking a bit thick.

They also point out that Lynch wears black all the time, has an arty hairstyle and uses a lot of long words, and thus seems to know what he's doing.

It's also clear that many people still confuse him with David Cronenburg and think he did "Scanners"

"The Lynch myth is indeed collapsing", commented Miranda Screech, film critic of the New York Hysteric, "and it appears that his latest film was in fact a shot for shot remake of an old episode of 'The Upper Hand'. But a lot fucking slower."

Lynch has resolved to return to film making refreshed after a break. "I've been offered the next 'Mighty Ducks' film," he says, fiddling with a Gitane, "It's going to be your conventional Family Ice Hockey film. Though without a puck. And the match will never end."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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