Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: California, Jordan

Sunday, 20 November 2005

image for Christina Aguilera Ties The Knot
Christina Aguilera has tied the knot, but denied enjoying bondage on her wedding night.

Pop star and trollop Christina Aguilera was married yesterday to longtime boyfriend Jordan Bratman in a private and lavish ceremony in Napa Valley, California. Everything about the ceremony was opulent, expensive, and gorgeous, in sharp contrast to the generally slutty and base music videos and actions of the artist. The marriage between the music mogul and the singer/stripper was the first for both.

Aguilera, three time Grammy award winner, said she and her new hubby plan oneymooning "somewhere that I can be raunchy and naked and get down in the mud and the blood and the booze." Considering some of her live performances, this could easily be on the stage of the Radio CIty Music Hall.

Christina did set a new Guiness Book of World Records feat yesterday by being the first of the new generation of pop singers to actually be photographed fully clothed. She wore a white (?) wedding gown by designer Christian Lacroix for her walk down the aisle.

When asked if her new husband got down on his knees to propose, she answered that "I always make him get down on his knees, but for different reasons. When he's kneeling, his mouth is generally too busy to talk to me or propose. He had to do that from across the dinner table. Afterwards, we used the dinner table to celebrate the engagement. Unfortunately, the manager and staff at the Outback Steakhouse did not appreciate that."

When asked if she had gotten married to copy her long time rival Britney Spears and also planned to have a baby soon, Aguilera balked. "I'm married to a millionaire mogul and she got a musical moron. My husband produces records by famous groups and hers can't even spell the word "group." My baby will at least have one parent with intelligent genes."

When asked if she plans to stop recording, Christina said that she is busy working on a throwback album of music from the 1920's to the 1940's. On her website, she stated, in reference to that album, that she was "pushing myself to bring you something different and revealing." This prompted the question as to how it could be any more revealing than any of her other videos, where she is generally naked and bumping and grinding or writhing on the floor. "Yes, but this is old style stuff, so I'll have to do it to the Charleston and in black and white," she replied. "Naked Noir can be so suggestive."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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