Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 15 June 2011

image for The Playboy Wedding Is Off - Hugh Hefner's Fiancée Crystal Harris Dumps The 85-Year-Old Geezer
Part of the $15,000 worth of Victoria's Secret lingerie that Crystal will be returning to Hefner.

HOLMLY HILLS - Well it was billed as America's Biggest Wedding of The Year. But Crystal Harris, the fiancée of the Playboy mogul has unceremoniously dumped the Playboy relic.

And the wedding was to have taken place this Saturday at the famous Playboy Mansion. The 300 Swarovski crystal-encrusted invitations had all long ago been mailed, the six-layered strawberry-papaya cake with tequila flavored bride and groom figurines had been baked, and the 70's band Grand Funk Railroad had been contracted to play.

So what happened? Crystal spoke with Fuchsia Garfunkel of The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle and gave her the exclusive story.

She said that had she married Hefner she would have become one of the richest women in the entire state of California. But she was quick to add she would have also been one of the saddest.

Garfunkel asked her why. And Crystal said because she would have had to devote and dedicate herself to being with Hef 24/7 and she would never have been able to see her family nor her friends.

She said softly that she would have been his caretaker and added that she would have been the most beautiful, sexiest, caretaker in the history of caretakers.

She added that Heffy Weffy, as he likes for her to call him, would have insisted that she be there to bathe him, dry him off, tuck him into bed, and read him articles from The Bathroom Reader series.

Plus she would have had to hand feed him a cup of seedless grapes each and every night.

She shook her head and said that there was just no way that she could ever get used to the constant smell of Ben-Gay, Compound W, Geritol, Metamucil, and Preparation H.

Crystal shook her head and said that she would rather marry a normal guy and at least be able to walk around a mall, go out to a local Burger Bandit, and go and relax at the beach and play tongue hockey with her young husband.

Harris then giggled and told Garfunkel that she really shouldn't say it but there was one other very personal reason.

Crystal blushed and said that she could not bring herself to even say the word. Fuchsia asked her if the word rhymed with Venus. She smiled and said that it did and that it also rhymed with greeter, necker, kick, leaner, and hee-hee.

So Crystal Harris will be returning to her ex-future husband-to-be the 6-carat diamond ring plus the $15,000 worth of Victoria's Secret lingerie that Hef had purchased for her.

In an unrelated story. Arnold Schwarzenegger is denying the rumor that Nancy Pelosi is the mother of his love twins.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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