Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 15 June 2011

image for Kirstie Alley Has Gained 12 Pounds In Three Weeks and She Blames It On Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Kirstie Alley's pet cat which she named after her favorite food "Big Mac." (Photo courtesy of Len Goodman).

AVOCADO HEIGHTS - Kirstie Alley sat all alone at a corner booth at a local Tacos, Tacos, and Mucho More Tacos.

She looked rather dejected and somewhat bloated as she polished off the fourth of five Eva Longoria Beef Fajita Tacos. One of the patrons who was sitting in the next booth said that she overheard Kirstie talking on the phone to her Dancing With The Stars dance partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Alley was crying and telling Maksim that since the shows finale on May 24, she had already gained 12 pounds and is now up to 248.

The unidentified patron, who was eating an order of Pancho Villa Enchiladas stated that Ms. Alley was not really making any attempt to try and keep her conversation private.

She heard Kirstie say that she was putting the entire blame for her weight gain on Maksim because he is no longer around her to knock the Hostess Twinkies and Little Debbie Cupcakes out of her hand like he used to do on a daily basis during their Dancing With The Stars rehearsals.

Kirstie was also very upset because Maksim did not keep his promise to take her to some really nice places like Knotts Berry Farm, Six Flags Magic Mountain, and Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.

He reminded her that at 60, she is old enough to be his mother.

Kirstie told Maksim that she did not care if she was 60, and he was only 31. She said that she had a heart of a 30-year-old.

She hollered out for him to never again call her a cougar because he knows that she hates that word almost as much as she hates being called Moby Dick, fatso, chubby, lard bucket, or the white Aretha Franklin.

She then cried that since she no longer sees him on a daily basis that she has gone back to her old habit of eating six Big Macs a day.

Kirstie Alley wants to dispel the rumors that apparently started in San Francisco that she is a lesbian. She said that if she was a lesbian she would not have let "The Bad Boy of the Ballroom" do the wonderfully erotic things to her body that he did.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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