British socialite Bettina, Duchess of Koongal, 50, got the shock of her life when she returned from a Tahitian getaway only to discover that her luxurious 16th century mansion had fallen victim to an arsonist who has so far torched more than a dozen homes throughout upmarket London suburbs.
When interviewed by Jemima Knockers, Koongal broke down in tears several times, but did have a few words for the currently-at-large arsonist. "Whoever you are, watch out! I won't rest until I've tracked you down ... And when I find you, it ain't gonna be pretty, you f**ker!"
Asked if she had lost any items of sentimental value, Koongal added: "I've lost all of my crotchless knickers, my collection of erotica - my autographed picture of Florence Henderson in the nude, for crying out loud!"
Meanwhile, a police investigation is currently underway, and steroid-crazed detectives are on the streets looking for clues while stuffing their faces with cream-filled donuts.