Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 12 June 2011

image for Countdown's Rachel Riley Crowned The New 'Thinking Man's Crumpet'
Countdown - Rachel's On The Extreme Left, Almost Out Of Shot

Countdown maths wizard, Oxford graduate, Rachel Riley, 25 who replaced the iconic 'Rear Of The Year' Carol Vorderman on the words and numbers show, has been crowned the new 'Thinking Man's Crumpet.'

Rachel has been wowing the tea time crowds with her long legs and snugly fitting dresses, and only last week sent micro-blogging site Twitter into meltdown, as she appeared on the show wearing a figure hugging mini-dress.

Traditionalists aren't too happy with Miss Riley, as they claim that her presence detracts from the objective of the show, and that many elderly male viewers become spontaneously dyslexic when she puts the numbers up for the numbers game.

One Daily Mail reader complained that he found it impossible to focus on the numbers game, because no matter what permutations arise, he can only ever come up with the answer: 2.

The 'Thinking Man's Crumpet' crown is the brainchild of a London bus driver, Stan Butler, who claims to be the international authority on all things crumpet related, having accumulated a lifetime of experience at the Luxton Bus And Traction Company, over the course of many years, mainly spent on the Cemetery Gates route.

Stan sees Rachel as a worthy successor to such luminaries as Joan Bakewell, Dr Miriam Stoppard, Judy Finnegan, Carol Vorderman and Joanna Lumley, all previous winners of the coveted title.

"Rachel's got the lot," Stan beamed when Skoob Entertainment News supremo Buffty Ginslinger spoke to him. "She's perfect crumpet mate. You couldn't improve her in the crumpet stakes even if you was to put a knob of butter on her head. And not only is she top drawer crumpet, she's got brains too, which makes her the ideal thinking man's crumpet. I tell you mate - if I was fifty years younger, there'd be no stopping me! Wah-heeyyyy!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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