LONDON - The past year has not been a good one for Cheryl Cole. The first thing that turned her happy world around was when she found out that her husband Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole was cheating on her with a bevy of tarts.
Cheryl somehow was given the names of all of the women and she noted that everyone of them had one thing in common. They all looked like other WAGS, which is an acronym for wives and girlfriends of high profile sports players.
She also noted that each one sported at least one tattoo, one body piercing, and a visible scar.
And perhaps the one thing that really stood out for Cheryl was the fact that all of the women who were quite mature in age dressed like they were 17 or 18.
At the time of the 'unfaithfulness' Cheryl was appearing as a judge on the English television show X-Factor and in fact she first learned of Ashley's 'serial cheating' from her fellow judge Simon "The Sultan of Sarcasm" Cowell during a commercial for Stella Artois Beer.
After lots of soul-searching she decided to divorce Ashley and she soon found herself being comforted by American Derek Hough, who is a professional dancer on the U.S. reality show Dancing With The Stars.
"The Dancing Dude" helped Chezza, as she is known, get over the heartbreak of her divorce. He not only choreographed her music video for the song "Parachute" but he also did the follow up music video titled "Bungee."
The two then traveled to Tasmania together. They went on a three-day safari in which Cheryl shot a lion, a panther, and a leopard. Derek who is not a very good shot, actually shot a zebra...by mistake.
It seems that the zebra was being used as a pack zebra by the members of the safari team to haul some of their supplies.
It was while in Tanzania that Cheryl was bit on the hip by a malaria-infested mosquito. Cole became very sick very fast.
She was quickly transported back to England in a stealth fighter jet where she was admitted into the Monty Python General Hospital.
Doctors expressed extreme relief that they were able to keep the disease in check and it did not affect her vocal cords, her dancing feet, or her reproductive playpen.
Derek, who blamed himself for booking the trip to Tanzania, said that he realized upon reflection that they should have gone to Greenland instead.
He said that according to the Internet there are hardly any mosquitoes in Greenland and the few that there are have had their little bitty stingers frozen and rendered totally useless by the ridiculously cold weather.
After Ms. Cole fully recovered she and Hough left for America. They were literally with each other 24/7 and Derek even asked Cheryl to move in with him in his Hollywood Hills mansion named Casa Cha Cha Cha.
He told her that she would not have to pay him one thin dime but he did ask her to do his laundry and cook some good old-fashioned British food once in a while.
Derek and Cheryl became the darlings of Tinsel Town having dinner at Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, going out to the famed Santa Monica Pier and riding the Carousel, and even going out to the world famous La Brea Tar Pits.
It was during their trip to the La Brea Tar Pits that Cheryl expressed how much she liked the area because of the way that it smelled, which was a little like one of her uncles who worked as a coal miner in Wales.
Derek, who loves hamburgers, also made it a point to introduce her to some of his favorite hamburger restaurants including Burger Bandit, Burgers-in-The-Round, Hank's Hippity Hoppity Hamburger Haven, and Burger Belle.
Not long after Cheryl had arrived on the Left Coast Simon Cowell offered her $16 million to be one of the judges on his new reality show the American version of X-Factor.
The other judge was "Ex-Laker Girl" and former American Idol judge Paula "Touchdown" Abdul.
But after one week, Cowell said that things just did not work out. It appeared that Cheryl's very strong Geordie accent was very hard for most Americans to understand.
Simon was honest with her and he told her that he even had a bit of a problem understanding her sometimes especially when she pronounced American names like Connecticut, glockenspiel, Mississippi, Hayden Panettiere, Tallahassee, Sopapillas, Waxahachie, and badonkadonk.
A few days after she was fired from X-Factor her boyfriend and ex-future husband Derek Hough unceremoniously dumped her.
Cheryl was devastated and heartbroken. She quickly lost six pounds. Her hair developed split ends. Her feet got callouses. Her ears started shaking by themselves, and both of her boobs turned a little yellow in color.
Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas came to her rescue and told her that he would take her over to his favorite L.A. area eatery, Capt. Cluckity Cluck Clucks Chicken Shack in Cucamonga.
Cole had an order of seven chicken tenders, with French fries, and a side order of Rooster Balls. She said that she felt lots better.
The next day she flew out of LAX Airport and landed at London's Heathrow Airport.
She was met there by her ex-husband Ashley Cole. He picked her up literally and carried her to his car. He told her that he was sorry about all the BS that he had put her through.
She smiled...she then told him that she wanted him to drive somewhere and get her a marmalade crumpet.
"You got it babe." A happy-as-hell Ashley remarked.
Chezza whispered to him that she was glad to be back home and then she fell asleep.