Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Topics: Space, Music

Monday, 14 November 2005

image for Martians Object to McCartney Space Music, Threaten Invasion
The face of Vorgal-Seti Grssh3

UNITED NATIONS, NYC (UPI)-A radio message reputedly received from Martians has objected to the recent broadcast of songs by former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney to wake-up the crew of the International Space Station.

McCartney broadcast the Beatle's classic "Good Day Sunshine" and his more recent song "English Tea" to the ISS on Sunday during his American tour, but some of the radio-waves apparently hit Mars and irritated the long-suffering Martians.

NASA astronaut Bill McArthur and Russian cosmonaut Valery Tokarev were jolted awake by the live wake-up call of the Beatles classic in a first ever concert link-up to the space station.

McArthur and Tokarev looked visibly ill at being blasted by the tinny 1960s music then wretched into zero gravity barf bags, getting a rousing cheer from the audience.

"I can't believe that we're actually transmitting into space!" McCartney gushed. "This is really so fab, it's sensational. I love it."

McArthur then did a couple of zero-gravity flips, dismissed McCartney's creative achievements, and mumbled, "Christ Jesus in a chariot-driven sidecar. I'm going back to sleep," before switching off.

The Martians were even less enthusiastic at being bombarded by the "noisy" music that hit their planet accidentally.

"Do you actually think we enjoy hearing that old Beatles crap?" asked Martian representative Vorgal-Seti Grssh3 rhetorically in his radio broadcast to UN headquarters on Earth. "We've had to listen to endless repeats of that noisy junk for decades now since it contaminates the electromagnetic spectrum of the entire solar system and beyond."

Vorgal-Seti went on to threaten Earth with an all-out invasion unless our planet "shuts up."

"We'll activate our tripod machines that we buried underground on Earth unless you characters cut it out," he warned.

He went on expressing regret that his ancient Martian civilization had ever seeded Earth with proto-molecules that led to the evolution of the Beatles. He also grumbled that it wasn't easy hiding from all those idiotic NASA rovers that are creeping around the Red Planet, and that as a result the Martians have retreated to their deep valleys while cleaning up all the fossils they could find and covering the Cydonia monuments with sand.

"But I have to admit that Ringo Starr is a pretty good drummer, and we also kind of like the tunes of George Harrison and John Lennon," he added. "Just give us a break on that McCartney stuff."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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