Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 9 June 2011

image for Simon Cowell Talks About Those Salaciously Steamy Rumors Regarding Him and Paula Abdul
Simon Cowell in a very rare photo shown without his ever-present black T-shirt. (Photo courtesy of Paula Abdul).

HOLLYWOOD - It is fairly common knowledge on the Left Coast that ever since the early days of American Idol there have been sensually suggestive sparks between Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

Cowell known as "The Sultan of Sarcasm" and Abdul known as "The Ex-Laker Girl" have reportedly been everything from BFF's to soul mates, to quasi-platonic friends, to vavavoomers.

Simon has always said that he likes the way Paula can stick her tongue in his ear and within minutes she will have him handing over as much as $75.

The native of Britain who is also known as "The Royal Rude Dude" laughs and says that one thing about Miss Abdul is that no matter what she may do to him physically it is always worth every penny.

Cowell was asked by Pico de Gallo of Tittle Tattle Tonight if all of the American Idol rumors of Paula sticking her hands underneath the judges table during the shows commercials and fiddling with "Little Simon" were true.

The "Duke of Disdain" giggled like nine-year-old Piper Palin playing with a baby reindeer and replied that it was in fact true. He said that he actually grew to expect her hand gestures (no pun intended).

Paula was asked if she would be doing the same under the table antics on their new show X-Factor that she did on their old show American Idol.

Paula quickly shook her head and replied that there was no way since Simon's fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy will be sitting in the audience a few feet away from "Simple Simon" as she affectionately calls him.

Cowell told Pico de Gallo that he wanted to address the recent salaciously steamy rumors that had been floating around the Azusa-Monrovia area that he and Miss Abdul had been spotted at a Burgers-in-The-Round in Hacienda Heights and that they were sitting in a back, out-the-way booth playing tonsil hockey.

Simon smiled as he took a puff from his Marlboro Cigarette and admitted that yes Paula is a very sexually attractive woman who he understands happens to know a lot of sexual positions but he wanted it made perfectly clear that all he and Abdul have ever done away from the American Idol stage is to touch each others groin regions; once and that was accidental.

He said four years ago he and Paula were sitting in his $1 million Bugatti Veyron when an earthquake hit and Paula ended up on his lap with her hands innocently in his lap and with his hands innocently in her lap.

In a related story. Derek Hough was asked if he misses his ex-future wife Cheryl Cole who he dumped after she was fired from Simon Cowell's American version of X-Factor. He smiled and paused for about ten seconds and then somewhat sarcastically replied that yes, he misses having to translate her very strong Geordie accent to the waiters and waitresses, and to his maids, his cooks, his gardeners, and his chauffeur.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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