Following another miserable couple of weeks trawling through the detritus of a talentless televisual extravaganza Buckingham Palace have said that, in future, The Queen is simply going to vote for the performer that she wants to see at the Royal Command Performance.
"Her Majesty has decided to cut out the middle man, saving Britain from watching the eternal drivel parading as entertainment. She believes it to be her Royal Duty to save England from day after day of utter mediocrity. After all, the Command Performance is essentially for Her Royal Highness."
Insiders at the Palace say that there is nobody that The Queen is interested in and she will be sending Prince William and his bitch instead.
Next year she has already lined up Frankie Dettori to demonstrate his riding prowess by mounting Camilla and showing her the meaning of 'jockey'.