Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 1 June 2011

image for Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder To Star In "The Attack of The Cucumber Vampires From Hell"
Nina Dobrev after being transformed into the vampire Frothina. (Photo courtesy of Charlie Sheen).

LOS ANGELES - Lion's Face Films in association with The Monteverdi Brothers and TouchRock Films has announced that they are currently in production on the vampire-culinary epic The Attack of The Cucumber Vampires From Hell.

The movie is set in the town of Balzers, Liechtenstein. The village of Balzers is noted for being the birthplace of shoe cobbler Hans Eschenduz, who holds the Guinness Book of World Record for single-handedly making 307 pairs of wooden clogs in four hours, twenty-two minutes, and eight seconds.

Amaretto and Staccato Monteverdi informed Pico de Gallo of Tittle Tattle Tonight that they secured the movie rights to the book by noted vampire author Stallone P. Voxripple who has written 183 books on vampires, zombies, werewolves, demons, goblins, and banshees.

Voxripple's very first book The Zebra Zygote-Eating Zombies of Zanzibar received the Nobel Peace Prize for Animal Husbandry As It Pertains To The Written Word.

The book was later made into a movie of the same name which starred a then unknown Julia Roberts, a then unknown Richard Gere, and a then unknown Pimento Zimmernooni, who I might add is still pretty much unknown.

In the film The Attack of The Cucumber Vampires From Hell Nina Dobrev stars as the vampire Frothina, a female vampire who has a heart of told, a generous personality, and a loving bedside manner.

Frothina's only problem is that she's somewhat bipolar and she does possess one hell of a short-fused temper which when lit can cause her to literally bite whatever human body part is handy.

Ian Somerhalder appears as the vampire Huntorio, who one second can be holding a little newborn baby ever so gently in his vampirical hands and then in a fraction of a second he can literally bite the spots off of an adult leopard in record-setting time.

Huntorio is rumored to be quasi-bipolar like Frothina. He however denies the hell out of it and no one is about to argue with the SOB.

Charlie Sheen has agreed to appear in a cameo as a village character known as Tiger Blood Boy.

The movie is being filmed in Walla Walla, Washington which amazingly enough resembles Balzers, Liechtenstein during the 1780s.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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