Written by Skoob1999
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Tuesday, 31 May 2011

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Johnny Depp Up The Mizzen Mast In A 2D Thumbnail.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was treated to his first 3D cinematic experience last night, when he attended a local theatre to see Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz in Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

Initial reports indicate that Shuttlecock was unimpressed.

Particularly with a half pint bottle of Budweiser at £3.75.

Things appeared to get off on the wrong foot before Shuttlecock even set foot in the cinema complex, when a young woman stopped her car so far away from the car park ticket dispenser that she couldn't reach the ticket, despite hanging out of the car window.

Feeling somewhat benevolent at the time, Shuttlecock pressed the button and handed the woman the ticket. Why she didn't simply step out of the vehicle to take a ticket remains a mystery.

Once inside, the show began with the usual round of Pearl And Dean ads - which Shuttlecock thought had been dispensed with years ago. Then some other ads followed, with quite impressive 3D effects, leading Shuttlecock to think that perhaps this may yet prove to be a serendipitous expedition.

Fighting the urge to doze off, Shuttlecock started to watch the main attraction, but found himself distracted by some girl in a seat in front, who kept texting people on her phone.

All appeared to be going reasonably well until Johnny Depp appeared on the screen.

"There was this woman," Shuttlecock complained. "She just laughed her head off at everything Johnny Depp did. Even when he didn't do anything. It was quite offputting really. Had I been with her, I should have felt compelled to give the silly cow a slap. She was obviously besotted with Johnny bloody Depp. When I got home after the show, I e-mailed a friend, to tell him how crap I thought the film was, and to my surprise, he responded that he he thought Johnny Depp has excellent comedic timing. I was tempted to give him a piece of my mind, I can tell you, but he's a nice chap is Lynton and I wouldn't want to offend him. It was all right as films go, but Errol Flynn was better - and he did have excellent comedic timing when he was buckling swashes. Even if they didn't have 3D back then. I bet the cleaners at the cinema were hard at it this morning, because that stupid woman who cracked up laughing at every little gesture Johnny Depp made, she must have made a mess of that seat."

Insiders relate that a disillusioned Shuttlecock returned home and watched a proper film on his big-screen HD telly - The Silence Of The Lambs, with Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster.

Cynics insist that Shuttlecock remains obsessed with anything to do with pirates and cannibals, although he vehemently denies it.

Long suffering wife Anne told Skoob Entertainment News:

"It's a good job we smuggled a couple of cans of Stella in, in me handbag, like. Otherwise I reckon he'd have buggered off to the pub next door. He's a cantankerous bastard. All this started with that bloody Below Decks saga on the Spoof. I hope he's better behaved when we go to the theatre to watch Brendan O'Carroll next weekend in Mrs Brown. Otherwise I shall have to smack him around the head. With a plank. Or something. Mind you, he wouldn't feel it."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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