Written by Paul Wilde
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Topics: Scientists, Cher

Sunday, 6 November 2005

image for Cher really a robot says top boffin.
Cher, relaxing at home yesterday.

A five year study by scientists has lead to the
sensational claim that the popular musical entertainer and film star Cher is really a sophisticated robot. According to cybernetics Dr Richard Leggenoff at the University of Reading, ‘More precisely, she is a
cyborg-type entity, a steel framework of wires and
pistons housed in a foam latex shell reminiscent of
real human skin'.

Rumours of Cher's animatronic status have circulated in entertainment circles since the release of Cher' 1965 seminal duet with Sonny Bono 'I got you babe' when Cher unexpectedly spun 360 degrees on the spot with both arms fixed vertically in the air during rehearsals. Despite later assertions that she was testing a pioneering dance move, she never repeated the stunt and it is now believed by robotics experts that an error had occurred in her programming. Cher later poked fun at the rumours in her 1998 hit 'Believe' in which she sang in a deliberately robotic style, a move now thought to be an inspired double bluff.

Walter Snorbitz was a technician for the video for Cher's 1988 hit song ‘If I could turn back time'. A respected figure with over 30 years experience in the industry, he testified to Jay Leno in 1993 that for her ‘rider' Cher hadn't asked for the usual champagne or orange juice, instead opting for ‘a soldering iron and a litre of battery fluid.'

The creator of Cher remains a mystery. Dr Flange
Hammer of the Robotics Preservation Society believes that a team of at least 100 people would be needed to maneouvre Cher's bodily movements and speech patterns in a rotating shift. "I believe that a team of at least 100 people would be needed to maneouvre Cher's bodily movements and speech patterns in a rotating shift" said the doctor yesterday, reiterating Dr Leggenoff's own belief that a team of at least 100 people would be needed to maneouvre Cher's bodily movements and speech patterns in a rotating shift: "I believe that a team of at least 100 people would be needed to maneouvre Cher's bodily movements and speech patterns in a rotating shift" confirmed Dr Leggenoff last night.

Cher, 22, was unavailable for comment last night.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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