Written by Victor Young
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Topics: History, James Bond

Friday, 4 November 2005

image for Daniel Craig Born to Play James Bond 007
According to producers, actor Daniel Craig was born to play James Bond.

In further efforts to try to repaint history and convince the movie-going public that Daniel Craig was the producer's first and only choice to replace Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, Eon Productions and Sony Pictures have issued a formal statement that they used genetic engineers to breed the actor in an incubator in 1968 for the specific purpose of becoming James Bond in 2005.

According to producer Barbara Broccoli, the genetically engineered Craig was the creation of late Bond producer Cubby Broccoli.

"This proves to all the nay sayers around the world…all of them…the millions upon millions of them who say that Cubby Broccoli never would have cast someone like Daniel Craig as Bond that he did pick our Dan Dan," stated Barbara Broccoli.

Previously Eon Productions and Sony Pictures had issued statements that Daniel Craig was merely a normal actor who was in fact their first choice to play James Bond except his misplaced phone number prevented them from making the announcement for 18 months.

During that eighteen month span the role of James Bond was offered to Clive Owen, Rikki Lee Travolta, and Hugh Jackman only because the studio couldn't find Craig's phone number. But, the studio says, they always wanted the five-foot ten-inch, blond, middle aged, character actor to play the part of six-foot tall, dark haired, suave, handsome leading man Bond if they could find him.

Reportedly the six-foot tall, dark haired, suave, handsome leading men Owen, Travolta, and Jackman refused the offers to play Bond because they knew in their hearts that somewhere there was an average, shorter, obscure actor to fill the void - a man, it turns out, not just born to play the part but bred to play the part.

According to producer Michael G.Wilson, the recipe for creating Craig called for using genetic material from stars of Cubby Broccoli's era including Cary Grant, Sean Connery, and Roger Moore.

Due to licensing complications however the engineers were forced to replace Cary Grant's genetic material with that of baseball announcer Harry Caray; Sean Connery's genetic material with that of first big screen Count Dracula actor Max Schreck; and Roger Moore's genetic material with that of Mr. Bean actor Rowan Atkinson.

"We couldn't be happier with how Dan Dan turned out looking," said Barbara Broccoli as she wiped away what she assured the press were tears of joy.

‘You see even though we offered the part to three other actors that you know about and six others that you don't know about yet but that we'll deny when you do hear about them, the fact is that it doesn't really mean that we offered them the part of James Bond that we did in fact offer them because we only made those offers because we couldn't find Daniel Craig's phone number for 18 months and so because of that those offers don't really count if you really think about it so because of that anyone can really see that even though we made offers to other people really in truth the fact is that it could be said that maybe if you look at it a certain way like we do after many drinks and obscure rationalizations we only ever really offered the part to Daniel Craig because we wouldn't have offered it to the people that we did offer it to that we now deny offering it to if we hadn't had to offer it to them because we couldn't find the first person we had hoped to offer it to and then did end up offering it to," said Wilson.

"Huh?" added director Martin Campbell.

The producers were finally able to make contact with Daniel Craig after discovering the misplaced phone number had been filed in their office under "Men Inappropriate to Play James Bond."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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