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Tuesday, 17 May 2011

image for Fears Grow For Masterchef's Gregg Wallace And John Torode
Lobster just doesn't get any lobsterier than this John. It's TOTALLY AMAZING!!!

There's a double-whammy of shock news today as it's being reported on the Internet and news agencies everywhere, that co-hosts of popular BBC cookery show Masterchef, John Torode and Greg Wallace, have finally disappeared up their own arses.

The news comes in the wake of the completion of the recent series just a few short weeks ago; a series dubbed by some as the most overblown, self-aggrandizing and bombastic load of cobblers that's ever been seen on TV. One critic remarking that it made Avatar look positively low-budget.

Fears had been growing for some time for the judgely (as the show's former host Lloyd Grossman might have said) pair, since critics and fans alike noticed progressively heightened levels of hyperbole and ridiculously over-the-top descriptions of absolutely every aspect of the show.

A BBC source said, "It's as if they've caught some kind of illness where nothing whatsoever can be described as ordinary or mundane. They both also insist on bellowing every line to camera, so it's hardly any surprise that something was going to give in the end. In fact during the semifinal we feared that Gregg was going to spontaneously combust at one point."

Flamboyant and feisty top chef, Gordon Ramsey, speaking from one of his many Michelin-starred eateries stunned onlookers with the following foulmouthed tirade. "For fu*k's it's only a fu*king cooking show! Not fu*king life or death like the way those pair of fu*king to*sers kept banging on about it! And what's more I wouldn't hire the fu*king bloke who won it to scrub my fu*king pots. Fu*k me...Change his life for ever? Do me a fu*king favour..."

Reports that the hapless duo have not been seen since an alleged lads' night out at trendy celebrity watering hole, The Ivy, could not be substantiated. But it's understood that a waiter who served them all three courses of a sumptuous Table D'Hote meal was worn-out by the perky popular presenting pair who asked endless questions about the provenance of the produce, and that he was completely knackered when the pair left at about 10.30.

The news comes as a blow to the BBC as plans to shoot the celebrity version of the show are at an advanced stage, and if John and Gregg don't get a bit more real soon the corporation will have to consider replacing them with the mercurial Marco Pierre White, who's a complete barmpot, and somebody else; maybe Delius Miff or Aynsley Haricot.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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