Written by Erskin Quint
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Tuesday, 17 May 2011

image for Pippa Middleton's "Pert Posterior Plan" US Publishing Deal
Not Quite What We Were Looking For, But Times Are Hard: The Nearest Thing We Could Get To An Abrams Cone, Yesterday

Word in exclusive circles has it that there's a hot book deal in the offing for Pippa Middleton, the UK's top posh totty hot property. For we have it on the authority of no less an authority than the authority of our old friend and Hollywood oracle, the one and only Bingo Cashcow Bimbomountain XIII, that pretty Pippa, sister-in-law of the future King of England, could well be about to realise her ass-ets in a big way.

Big, for sure, but you can bet that it'll be ever so tasteful and tautly tantalising. Just like Pippa's deliciously demure derriere, the ass with 200000 Facebook fans.

Whoever would have guessed that so many Facebook fanatics would worship someone's backside? Bingo Cashcow Bingomountain XIII would have guessed, that's who would have guessed. How do we know? She told us so, yesterday.

"I guessed that there'd soon be a bunch of folks sniffin' after that perfect little tush", she told us, yesterday. "Soon as I saw her in London Cathedral, there, out in Buckingham, England, at the Royals Pageant, I rang Gutsi S Vermont and I told him, 'Gutsi, that little ass is a milchcow just askin' to lay down the cream. Getta load of it Gutsi. It's like ice-cream and soda on tap and chicken livers by the bucket down on the Arbor on New Year's.'

"But Gutsi, he don't say nothin'. I get the answer service. Gutsi is up in the Catskills, havin' his ears pinned. It seems he took it personal, last week, when Dolores Dewdrop said he looked like Dumbo's Mother in a good light. But when he gets back, we can talk turkey about the tush."

For Bingo Cashcow Bimbomountain XIII is that most dangerous of monstrosities. An obscenely-rich monstrosity who is full of ideas so astronomically nonsensical as to be positively universe-expanding.

"When I look at that cute little ass in Winchester Cathedral", continued Bingo Cashcow Bimbomountain XIII yesterday, "I see row on row of navel oranges in Pokomoko County, and the peaches out in Makahoho, ripening in the sun. Plump for the pickin', is what I see.

"I'm making waves already, at the downset. Soon I'll be through to Prince Chuck and Princess Camelia of Cornwell by fax out in Balmoral House, way up there in Brigadoon Castle. I have a proposition for Chuck, concerning a certain party who is literally sitting on a fortune."

When it came to a matter of specifics, with reference to the detailed nature of this proposition in question, Bingo Cashcow Bingomountain XIII could not, of course, for reasons to do with legal niceties, and copyrights and other such paradigms, exactly reveal all.

But she was not averse to vouchsafing what we might term a teaser, when she spoke to us, yesterday.

"I could not, of course, reveal all, in deference to matters involving legal niceties, copyrights and other issues of a paradigmatic nature", Bingo Cashcow Bimbomountain XIII said when she spoke to us, which was as recently as yesterday.

"However, being mindful of the curiosity of my friends over there in Britain, England, I am able to offer a taster.

"What we have in mind is to drill into the fitness seam by means of a book in which Pippa presents her fans with the Pippa's Pert Posterior Plan. This we follow up with the DVD angle and a tour. This, we hope, will see us in clover within a matter of months.

"And in so far as the British UK Royalty goes, you can bet that I am one dame who won't be taking her fangs outta the jugular of that particular gravy train for the forseeable.

"This could be the biggest thing since Queen Grace of Monaco out there in Ruritania, Europe back in the day.

"I reckon it's big enough to make Gutsi S Vermont prick his ears up!"

Duff A Abrams (1880-1965) was an American researcher in the field of concrete who developed the basic methods of testing concrete still in use today.

One of his legacies is a test method for the workability of a concrete mix by using what is termed the "Abrams Cone".

Which certainly might one day prove valuable to the likes of Pippa Middleton, if she is ever in the position of having some work done that requires the application of concrete.

And Gutsi S Vermont, when he gets back from his sojourn in the Catskills, why even he might be glad to benefit in some small way from the application of the Abrams Cone, be it ever so indirectly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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