As soon as she heard experts say that she and Depp may be 20th cousins, Her Majesty took immediate action.
Her fashion consultants were called in and ordered to design an array of Royal eye patches. "And throw out those flowery hats," the Queen demanded, adding "I much prefer pirate-like motifs."
Brits are appalled that their Queen has accepted a role in the forthcoming fifth installment of Depp's Pirates of the Caribbean series. "She'll probably abandon us for Hollywood," one of her disgruntled subjects was heard to say. "Next she'll be joining those Tea Party activists in the U.S."
Prince Philip has not taken the news well. "I've put up with a lot over the years, but this takes the cake," he's told friends, continuing, "This morning I was enjoying a nice lie-ie, when she jumped on the bed, wielding a sword and shouting, Ahoy Matey. Why can't she be like any other spouse and just wake me up with a simple Good Morning, Dear."
According to the Palace, there's no truth to the rumors that the Queen wants to have Captain Hook knighted or that she is lobbying to have the fifth installment of Depp's movie franchise re-named "Pirates of The River Thames: Royal Bloodlines Will Out."