Written by Pariah
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Sunday, 15 May 2011

image for Muppet Porn Ring Exposed
Kermit bares all in porn films

After over 40 years, disturbing footage of a pornagraphic nature has been discovered that implicates many of the Muppets. The films were found in the personal effects of Mr. Harold Hooper, the original Sesame Street shop owner.

Most of the show's viewing public had believed Mr. Hooper had died in 1983, as was portrayed on the special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street that year. In reality, he hadn't died, but rather had been in a coma following a massive overdose of marshmallow peeps. He lived on until the late 1990's when he finally passed away.

Following his real death, there was a contested will and a decade of legal battles over his estate by the heirs. Among the effects was a box filled with spools of 8mm film. When one of the heirs, who has asked to remain nameless, viewed one of the tapes, she quickly boxed up the lot and submitted them to the police.

"It's pretty sick stuff," Police Chief Jones remarked. "We watched every minute of it to see just how many of the cast are involved. We were really hoping to find footage of Maria, but only Muppets appear on the films. Each of the films appear to be from around 1968-69, just preceding the debut of Sesame Street.

The most prominent muppet implicated is Kermit the Frog. He appears in a couple of the films, "The Easy Reporter" and "The Horny Toad". Both of these films appear to have influenced later Sesame Street and Muppet programming. On Sesame Street, Kermit frequently played a character named EZ Reporter. The second film was also a musical and may have been the inspiration for one of the songs from the Muppet Movie.

The Horny Toad appears to be the story of a young toad, played by Kermit, who has erectile dysfunction and is frequently sodomized by frogs in the swamp. The Children's Television Workshop and PBS have asked that mention be made that frogs and toads are not the same, one is an amphibian and one a reptile.

Below is an excerpt of the main song from The Horny Toad:


The Big Ole Erection

Why are there so many frogs with erections
and why do they stick them inside?
Erections are natural, but cause some delusions
As their length is of some folk's pride.
I've tried to think about something erotic.
I've tried Spanish Fly just to see.
Someday I'll get one, a big ole erection.
Like the others, who are creamers in me.


Bert and Ernie were also discovered in a film titled, "Doing the Ooh-Ooh Ernie", for which Bert sings the title track while performing pretty much what the title suggests. Ernie also sings in this movie a song along the lines of:


Rubber Dildo, you're the one.
You make foreplay lots of fun!
Rubber Dildo, I stick you up my wazoo.

Additional characters have been implicated and or charged with crimes related to the movies:

Mr. Snuffalufagus (aka Snuffy) who evidently acquired his nickname from snuff films has been arrested.

Cookie Monster (aka Nookie Monster) sings "C is for clitoris, that's good enough to eat" in one of the films and appears to have gotten his googley eyes from chronic masturbation.

The Count does not appear in any of the films, however he has been taken in for questioning. In the orgy scene of one of the movies a voice in the background can be heard calling, "One, one orgasm! Ha ha ha...Two! Two orgasms! Ha ha ha....Three! Three orgasms! Ha ha ha..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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