HOLLYWOOD - The top executives at CBS are all as happy as woodpeckers in a Dutch wooden clog shoe factory.
After meeting with actors Hugh Grant, John Stamos, Rob Lowe, and Jeremy Pivin the network and the creator, writer, and producer of Two and A Half Men Chuck Lorre have announced that they have signed Ashton Kutcher to take the place of Charlie "Winning Boy" Sheen.
Up until a few days ago Hugh Grant actually had the part which would have paid him $1 million per episode for 24 episodes.
But Grant backed out at the last minute when he realized that he was allergic to salt water, seagulls, and sand castles.
John Stamos reportedly wanted more than $1 million per show plus a percentage of the profits and a brand new state-of-the-art golf cart.
Rob Lowe said that he wanted to wear a swimsuit in all of the scenes and Jeremy Pivin said that he would be unavailable as he was filming an X-rated vampire documentary in Bollywood with Indian actresses Aishwarya Rai, Rani Mukherjee, Isha Koppikar, Preity Zinta, and Korean actor Ken Jeong.
Ashton Kutcher had actually been recommended by the half of Two and A Half Men, Angus T. Jones. The 17-year-old had worked with Kutcher on a commercial for Tabasco sauce and recalled how funny Ashton was.
Jones said that Kutcher knows over 400 knock knock jokes, 300 Sarah "Snowflake" Palin Jokes, and a little over 1,200 Glenn "Crybaby" Beck jokes.
Chuck Lorre promised Ashton that he will even write a couple of episodes that will include his cougar wife, the lovely, delightful, but much, much older Demi Moore.
Lorre was asked if the fact that Kutcher has over 7 million Twitter followers had anything at all to do with his decision. He replied that it most certainly did not. After thinking about it for a few moments, Lorre replied, "Well, to be perfectly honest, maybe just a little friggin bit."