A New Year Love Letter 2004, by Maria Sars
To Honor those separated from Loved ones:
"Woman Mentally Breaks Up with King-To-Be Prince Charles"
Dateline: Feast of the Holy Innocents
International Space Station
The lifelong imaginary romance with the to be good King Charles has ended the 46 year old allegedly female, authentic daughter of President John F. Kennedy/John Astor announced today.
"While I will always have great affection for Prince Charles, the hard truth is that he is not the kind of man I need in my imagination right now," the woman said, her voice tight with emotion. "It hurts to say this, but it is probably best that we will never actually be one."
"You seek I am from Venus. Prince Charles is from Mars. The Mars lander sent by the United Kingdom has yet to emit a cell-phone-like signal. I put out an APB for those boats sneakily weaving amongst ships. No Prince Charles found. I took one of those male vitality capsules sold at the health food store to nurture my male essence for courage while being an honorary male. I hiked through deserts, polar ice caps, mountains, forests, streams, savannahs. Still unable to locate Prince Charles.
In the mean time, wannabe Queen, Mrs. Camilla Parker Bowles, is reported by the National Enquirer to be practicing for her descent down the staircase while the Queen took time for routine facial and knee surgery.
Though she was initially insatiably infatuated with the piercing good looks and Heathcliff charm of the waseem (handsome) Prince Charles, she admitted to being "troubled" by the Prince's widely reported penchant for hard drinking, profanity, and speculation he might select the tootie fruitie candy cane over the good-for-the-heart hot cinnamon candy cane or the digestif peppermint candy cane.
"Those brown eyes are to die for, and I'll admit that I've always had a weakness for men with outstanding ears and a big proboscis. I was turned off by his constant need for attention which is really juvenile."
The authentic daughter of the assassinated President, who gleaned her knowledge of Prince Charles from various entertainment news sources, has never sought a real-life relationship with the rising King-to-be and characterized the phenomenon of celebrity stalking as "pathetic." Nevertheless, when pressed, she was able to give a detailed account of the rise and fall of her pretend relationship with Prince Charles.
"In the beginning, Prince Charles could do no wrong," she said. "I found myself sanding taller, dressing better, and taking things a little less seriously. My friends noticed the change. Still, all the while anxiety was creeping in: what if I wasn't the type of woman he would find attractive."
Eventually, she said, "reality" set in.
"Prince Charles and I live in separate worlds, divided by an unbridgeable gulf," she said. "He is a wild glamorous Prince from Cosmopolitan London, and I am a university graduate from the mountains with a no-paying job and average looks. It would never work."
"Prince Charles loves fast living and I prefer quiet evenings at home with a steady diet of sweet talk, small gifts, cuddling, and smooching," the authentic daughter of the assassinated President said. "At first, I would imagine all the fun parties we'd go to if we were dating, but I grew tired of that pretty quickly. I'm no party girl. I started picturing myself sitting there in my white chenille bathrobe at the breakfast table taking tea and scones while waiting for him to come. I don't want that."
The authentic daughter of the assassinated President also began to wonder if Prince Charles would remain faithful. "Other than the occasions people of all persuasions-male and female equally-ensnare either of us in an assignation it got to be where I couldn't fantasize about us being together without constantly wondering if he would run around on me," she said.
One person reported there were three of us in one marriage. "As Saint Augustine said, "Where there is love, there is a trinity: a lover, a beloved, and a spring of love."
"If he's cheated on women before, in an egalitarian manner with all, I couldn't see why I'd be an exception. He is just not worth the angst."
The news that one of Prince Charles' girlfriends gave birth to two of his sons helped convince her to break it off once and for all.
"I had to dump him from my thoughts, if only to preserve my sanity," she said. "I know that I'm choosing practicality over love, and maybe that makes me as weak as Prince Charles, but in a different way."
It is unknown if a hysterical pregnancy resulted from this imaginary romantic union in her mind. She was recently spotted mentally nurturing and nourishing some pretend children, though it is uncertain if they were her pretend children with Prince Charles or the children of the notorious public people pretending to be the grandchildren of her authentic father, the 35th President of the United States.
She is taking steps to scale back Prince Charles' presence in her life. She is seeking a paid job to supersede the no-pay job so she can be seen as egalitarian.
Rumor has it that she was recently overheard commenting on the attractiveness of Cary Grant. Still, although she considers Cary Grant good looking she denied any pretend relationship.
"To tell you the truth, I've been more attracted to the veneer of maturity and stability lately."
Neither the authentic daughter of the assassinated President, currently "living in America," nor her real life Prince Charming "coming to America" could be reached for comment.
Remember what Winnie the Pooh says,
"Violets are blue….If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever."
Work spend drafting this parody of an article in The Onion titled, "Woman Mentally Breaks Up with Colin Farrell," as measured by calories expended:
Sweet Talking 150
Looking Silly 75
Modified July 4, 2004
Written before Mrs. Camilla Parker Bowles publicly fancied herself the wife of a Prince who already has a spouse.