May 9th, 2011 will forever be known as "The Day Network Died", in many parts of the US. Throughout the south and mid-west, web browsers and gaming consoles other than PS3s, went blank as a massive internet outage swept across the region.
Families were forced to communicate with each other using their voices, and couldn't even tweet about how bored they were. After days of trying to figure out what exactly went wrong, experts are pointing their (middle) finger at one man; Writer/Director/Podcaster/Pot Smoker/Anal Sex Aficionado/and now Internet Radio Station Host, Kevin Smith.
That same day Kevin "Silent Bob" Smith launched his Smodcast Internet Radio station, otherwise known as the acronym SIR. SIR is designed to be an alternative for morning drive radio, where basically the director broadcasts his normal morning daily routine over the internet, disguised as podcasts, to his massive following and collects advertising revenue in the process. It really is ingenious, I mean the guy doesn't even have to leave the house, hangs out in his PJ's, and gets paid to talk to his wife and some of his best friends. I wish I could get away with that...oops sorry...fourth wall broken, I digress...back to the "Journalism".
It seems that experts believe that the overwhelming initial success of SIR was far more than anyone could have possibly imagined. Millions of listeners and fans of Smith's films tuned in, not only overloading the host servers and periodically bringing the broadcast down, but also bringing down entire ISPs in many rural areas of the country.
"I was just trying to put pictures of my kitty in a bikini up on Facebook, when the screen went completely blank." says Ivana Feldersnatch of Baxter Springs, Kansas. "I didn't know what to do, I went outside and all the neighbors were saying the same thing, their computers stopped working. We had to talk to each other face to face, instead of on Skype, I had to smell their breath, it was horrible!"
"I was right in the middle of ordering a Steel Panther CD to help me perform in the bedroom." commented a Eufala, Oklahoma man who would only refer to himself as "Limp Dick McGee" and wanted us to tell him how much a loser he was over and over again.
"The internet went down just as I hit submit order, now I don't know if I ordered the CD or not. I guess I'm gonna have to keep letting large black men have sex with my wife, over and over, while she makes fun of me for not being able to get it up. Gee thanks Silent Bob."
Many of the affected Internet Service Providers have had to increase their server capacities 100 times over just to prevent this from happening again. "We have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars upgrading and expanding our bandwith to accommodate for SIR." a representative from Cumcox Cable told us.
"That too fat to fly SOB really did a number on us. First we had to endure Jersey Girl, and now this. I mean the flick was good, but it was no Dogma. Now I'm getting off on a tangent here..sorry. Getting back to what I was saying, this was all because he wanted to work from home. It's such an ingenious idea though isn't it. Wish I could get away with that, but I digress again. We expect to have all service fully restored by the end of today. People will be able to go back to their normal cyber-social lives soon."