Written by Ryan Inverso
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Tuesday, 10 May 2011

image for East Coast Big 4 Concert in Jeopardy Thanks to A-Rod

Hundreds of thousands of heavy metal fans across the country have been going crazy with anticipation for a concert by "The Big 4" of heavy metal at Yankees Stadium in Bronx NYC.

The Big 4 are speed metal pioneers Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax. Rumor has it that this event is now in Jeopardy thanks to overpaid and overrated Yankees slumpper Alex Rodriguez.

It seems A-Rod heard from a friend that once at a party Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich made eye contact with his skeleton skinny "used to be hot" girlfriend Cameron Diaz.

"No one looks at my girlfriend and gets away with it." A-Rod said to a friend of a neighbor of mine who works at Yankee Stadium. "Fox tried showing her on camera at the Super Bowl and I flipped out. All those guys looking at my senorita. Only A-Rod looks at her!"

After hearing of the offending glance A-Rod allegedly went to Yankees Managment and demanded that the Metallica drummer be banned from the building along with "all of his hippie looking friends."

"Whatever A-Rod wants he gets, no matter how poorly he's playing right now." said a Yanks official that wished to remain anonymous. "Even though he sucks anymore, he still puts butts in the seats, and when the cheapest butt in the building costs over $1,000 we can't afford to make him angry. You wouldn't like him if he's angry. He is a centaur you know."

"I never looked at her," Ulrich released in a press statement after the rumor went public. "I've never even met her, and if I did I wouldn't look at her. She hasn't been attractive since "The Mask"..well maybe "Charlie's Angels". Now she looks like she should be in Middle Earth looking for "the precious" or living in Harry Potter's closet." Metallica singer and Cowardly Lion stunt double James Hetfeild had this to add, "I can't believe what we've stooped to, Steel Panther are out there curing cancer, while we're arguing with this douchebag. HURRRRAH! I knew we should have played at the Linc in Philly instead. We love Philly, we even played in their parking lot at the Wells Union Corechovia Center."

Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian even got in on the A-Rod bashing. "A-Rod already was the worst thing that ever happened to the Yankees, and now my dream of playing in Yankee Stadium might not come true. F-You A-rod. Go F@%k your gremlin looking girlfriend! She does kinda look like Stripe doesn't she?"

As a side note, when hearing of Hetfield's comments about moving the concert to Philadelphia, the city's mayor Micheal Nutter released this statement:

"If Metallica and the other bands involved move "The Big 4" concert to Lincoln Financial Field, I will declare the city's motto that week "The city of Metal Love." and give Metallica the key to the city. We love Metallica, even when they play in our parking lots, plus I'll take any chance to stick it to those damn New Yorkers any day. METAL RULES!!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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