Kim Kardashian and Ray J in 'Fill my Retarded Meathole, C-List Rap Artist': "Two Penises Up" Says Roger Ebert.
(Not his, of course, but...)
While Kim Kardashian's sex tape (with whom we assume is her gardener) is getting rave reviews from horndoggs all around the globe, America can not decide what to think until we hear from famed Chicago movie reviewer Roger Ebert --who shot to Gene Shalit-esque movie-monkey superstardom by killing 'At The Movies' co-host Gene Siskel-- and he's raving about it more than any man with 1/3 of a face should be allowed.
...and sometimes the bits write themselves. "A gazelle trying to f--k a rhinoceros to death"! HA!!!! Yay, comedy.
I don't know why Ebert...
is both impotent and, somehow, partially paralyzed in this piece. He's not partially paralyzed. But, you know, I'm sure he's impotent. Right?
"Fvwfrvnh Fsif Fssfvjiwfjv," said Ebert, before the mutual decision to convert the interview to an e-mail only format. "I give it Two Penises Up. Not mine, of course; Nowadays I achieve an erection about as often as Michael Keaton sees a movie contract."
Ebert, whose throat and lower jaw were ripped off by an enraged 6-something actress moments after his "Catwoman" review was posted online, speaks via his wife of 20-plus years, Madea.
"Last night, I took my wife out to a Chinese restaurant," Ebert's review begins. "It's a great place: They have a tank right in the lobby, and they let you choose our own dog."
"After hours of Sake and mutual masturbation, we decided to head home for some lovin'. Normally, just the sight of my investment portfolio and Last Will and Testament is more than enough to dampen milady's netherfolds, but tonight was a night for a bit of kink."
"I put on a silken robe," writes Ebert, who types into a customized iPad via a conductor's baton attached to miner's helmet, "removed my Foley catheter and spitcup, and fired up Kim Kardashian and Ray J's 'Fill my Retarded Meathole, C-Level Rap Artist', or whatever the f--k their sextape is called. And I say this about that: Hot Coffee! Two penises up!"
"Interspersed with candid conversations exhibiting Kim K's 'I ate paint chips as a kid' delivery are hot, steamy scenes of what looks like a gazelle trying to f--k a rhinoceros to death."
"And, let me tell you, that didn't suck. Speaking of which, Kim does. A lot. Like there's prototypes of Coach's Spring 2012 casualwear line in Ray J's hog. When Ray J is about to end the festivities, as it were, Kardashian demands that she have... er... one last shot before closing time. It certainly made me want to send over a double-shot of Ebert's essence to Kimmy's table, if I could."
"But, I can't. Damn you, Sharon Stone!"
"Overall, Kim's sexual performance was of the 'I'll lie here looking hot, while you have at it' variety, but she certainly was easily pleasured; indeed, if Kardashian earned one IQ-point for every time she whimpered, 'you're gonna make me cum,' Stephen Hawking would be working as a speed bump in Oxford, England."
"We wish Kim all the best in her new career as a neo-socialite Jizzwhore. I hope I live long enough to see photos of a middle-aged Kardashian's fading good-looks and prolapsed rectum plastered all over the internet, so that I may smile, think to myself, 'life well spent, Kimmy', and know that I was there at the beginning."
"But I won't. Live to see it, I mean. I doubt I'll make it to the premiere of 'The Hangover Part II'."