Pseudo-actress and socialite Paris Hilton had her reality television show, The Simple Life, cancelled last week by the Fox network. This, however, has not stopped the actress from going on. "We start filming again next month," said Hilton from the drunk tank at New York's 63rd Precinct, where she was drying out after another night of public, alcohol induced, debauchery.
"Every network but Fox wants my show on their channel. Everyone in America loves me."
In an interview with Father Francis Pedophile of EWTN (Eternal Word Television Network), a Catholic owned and operated station, we found this to be untrue. "Do we want Paris Hilton? About as much as we want that other slut Madonna or that child molester Michael Jackson. We want quality programming on our station, and that means quality people in quality roles. RIght now, our most popular series are reruns of Seventh Heaven, Eight is Enough, Growing Pains, Different Strokes, Family Ties, and Macauly Culkin movies."
When it was pointed out to the Priest that these shows all featured young boys in prominent roles, he replied that "our priests like to see quality family shows to remind them of their youth."
Another network that is not interested is B.E.T. (Black Entertainment Television). Network Vice President Leroy Johnson begin answering our question by saying that "sure, I wanna see that half naked white woman. All the brothers like watchin' hot lookin' blondes with almost no clothes on."
The interview was interrupted, however, by B.E.T. Board Member Beulah Jackson, who said that "lookin' at that trashy ho is a sin. We don't want no sinnin' on our program. We got lots of attractive black men and women with they clothes on that can be on our shows and not have to show that skanky thang."
Even the Playboy Channel was not interested in "The SImple Life." "Our women usually tend to be a little more top heavy. We also don't have to give our girls VD and AIDS test between showers. Her birth control budget alone would break our bank."
We also discovered that the following networks are not interested in a television show featuring Paris Hilton:
BYU/TV ("Our students have enough wives at this time.")
The Cartoon Network ("We don't do that type of animation.")
ESPN, ESPN2, & Fox Sports Networks (unless she did some mud wrestling so they could call it sports)
Turner Classic Movies (TCM) ("There is nothing classic about her one film last year," said John Osborne)
Fox Family Channel ("We don't know where we'd fit her in between old Afterschool Specials, Whose Line, and our corny made for tv movies,")
The Disney Channel ("Our girl stars of all our shows are between eleven and fourteen. She's too old for us. Besides, we haven't marketed breasts since Annette Funicello.")
The Hallmark Channel ("When you care enough to send the very "breast" packing.")
The Home Shopping Network ("Unless we could auction off her panties, or something")
VH1 ("We're oldies rock and roll! What's classic about her getting her rocks off nightly?")
Nick, Nicktoons, Nick at Night ("We'll wait until her show's been off the air for 25 years and we can get the syndication rights a lot cheaper.")
The Golf Channel ("We don't want her on the air, but if she wants to come to the course and clean our balls, she can!")
BBC America ("She doesn't have one of our accents! Besides, we like to keep our sluts together on shows like Benny Hill.")
HGTV ("Are you kidding! Re-decorating her would be a real "Designers Challenge." Considering her men, she seems to have this real "Curb Appeal." We'll pass at this time.)
CNN, CSPAN, MSNBC ("What's new about seeing Paris half naked? Everyone in the world has seen her goodies.")
The Weather Channel ("We forecast no home for her doing "Naked News" on our network.")
Paris, then, will have a rough time finding herself a network to air her latest season. She can now join Jason Alexander as one of the group of television stars who continue producing new series that no one ever sees.
Paris was, however, spotted taking her dog for tryouts to be the new Taco Bell spokesdog and may still have an income if the chihuahua is successful in its screen test.