Reality Star Kim Karadashian is said to have her arse in an uproar as recent media frenzy over Pippa Middleton's knock out appearance at the Royal Wedding has pushed her own derriere down the charts, for anyone who still counts points!
The 5'2" 117 lb diva who claims her measurements are 34-26-39 (!) says she still fits easily into a size 27 pair of jeans and does not take lightly that the media, mostly in the UK, has installed a pretender on her big arse 'throne!'
"I mean really, " said the senior Kardashian, with sisters Kourtney and Khloe, standing by supporting her, "with all that's going on over there, politicians wives in tabloids posing naked in a sheet, controversy over wheelie bins, Elton John lactating all over the place, and Gordon Brown being proposed to head the International Monetary Fund, you's think they'd could find something else to write about!"
The Kardashian sisters, known regionally as the Hollywood KKK, have dominated the Reality TV show craze ever since Kim was 'exposed' in a sex tape bent over the kitchen sink with her large asset, and some say, her best feature, exposed.
"Her butt was the biggest thing that ever happened to the DYI and Cosmetic Surgery Industry." said black market caulking injector Rufus O'Donnell, an expat from Jamaica via Manchester, "we've got more business than we can handle with the pound at $1.60 and planes arriving every day from Heathrow loaded with skinny arsed girls from London, Wales, and even from the Isle of Wight....they all want the same thing...Big Arse Cheeks!"
Rufus, like many others in the DYI Arse Business, works off leads garnered on the internet, uses only prepaid cell phones, and changes office locations daily to keep the American Medical Association (AMA) and the Certified Caulkers Union (CCU) off HIS butt.
According to Rufus, on a good day he can perform about 10 'treatments' at $1500 each, uses 3 cases of silicone caulk purchased on sale at a 'big box' store, and works out of 'hot sheet' motels where he pays only in cash.
Despite using the same caulking gun, which he claims he swabs with alcohol before each 'treatment' Rufus claims the mortality rate for his patients 'is within the allowable range as established by the American Cosmetology Association." While Rufus refused to discuss how many patients have succumbed to his procedure, "Hey man....I shoot 'em up, put 'em in a cab and then I'm oughta there....I don't worry about their arse...I got my hands full with my own problems, know what I'm sayin'?"
Meanwhile, back in Hollywood, the Kardashian Brain Trust (sic) is said to be huddled working on their NEXT Big Thing to knock Pippa out of the headlines and regain tabloid prominence. Said Khloe, "I think we're going to tour Alabama and cheer folks up, there's a lot of dead people there...I think a bus over turned or something...that should do it. If not, there's talk of a Libyan Bond Tour to raise money for the Quaddaffy family...they're Armenian, aren't they?"