Written by Honey West
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Sunday, 1 May 2011

image for Charlie Sheen's Dog In Rehab
Charlie Sheen's dog, Goddess wearing hat from Mars

Charlie Sheen's pet pooch, Goddess, has reached the end of her leash and gone off the deep end.

The mutt of unknown pedigree, age 7, has been by Charlie's side night and day, through good times and very very bad.

Sharing a home with Sheen and assorted porn stars, random freaks, bits of broken glass and pizza delivery men finally became so stressful that she had no choice but to lick up whatever drugs, booze, or other dangerous mind altering substance was left haphazardly on the carpet, by the toilet, next to the bed, on the patio, in the garage, smeared all over the walls, or really just about anywhere Charlie Sheen inhabits.

At some point, Sheen started affixing a strange cap to the dog's head, which he said was a portal to her animal brain, enabling him to "finally hold a conversation with a dog, because , man, I'm telling you, dogs are way cooler than that excuse for a person Chuck Lorre, that's for fuckin sure."

Goddess was found staggering sideways down Mulholland Drive, still wearing the peculiar hat and flirting inappropriately with several racoons along the way. She was heard to whisper, "Please, save me!" saying that Charlie had taught her how to talk but she couldn't stand living with him anymore, even if he had given her the power of speech.

"This guy is…woof…argh..completely off his skull. Please, get me out of here before I totally wig out. And get this fuckin hat off my head, it hurts, it's making me dizzy!"

Goddess was rescued by a neighbor and immediately taken to Malibu Outreach Center For Celebrity Dog Rehabilitation where she is beginning to recover and become a dog again instead of an insane person. The magical Charlie Sheen rockstar dog hat from Mars has been destroyed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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