Written by Neil Levine
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Friday, 14 October 2005

image for Britney Spears Has Given Birth To A Little Monster
Baby Boom

Celebritney Maternity Ward In The Hollywood Hills and Rancho Mirage-Since her brand new little bawl of tears doesn't sleep on the bed of roses Britney laid out for him (complaining about thorny conditions and some other things not worth repeating), doesn't hold still and is always asking for "a hot bottie and a clean nappie," continually moaning about the how long it takes to get into his crib, how small it is (not much bigger than a bread box), the lack of dark room controls and is now insisting on crying all night, Britney is worried, very, very worried.


He still doesn't walk, can hardly talk and insists on being spoon fed, spitting out the baby pap he insists isn't quite right. "Too hot, too cold, Evian or Coke, not Pepsi," he says.


He also sings, "I want my MTV."


Then, too, he has made it a habit of mimicking tunes that sound like "Oops I did it again" and "Baby one more time." But no one is sure since he often refuses to talk at all.


In an effort to straighten out her little one's messy habits and serious demands, Britney has even gone so far as to ask Natalie Portman, her co-host at a raucous New Year's Eve bash in aught two and whom Britney knows from way back off Broadway, when the two of them were acting in a horror of a show, about demonic possession or some such sort of melodramatic story, way, way before she ever met Mickey Mouse, if her father gives advice. "Only on how to have more babies," Natalie dead panned.


Britney thought about that for a second. "How about child raising tips?"


"Like besides Zutano velour outfits, B. Glambaby onesie tops and bottoms, cherry pie giraffes and fill-r-up wagons, what else can I do for my little Sean?"


"How about a chauffeur driven baby carriage?" Natalie suggested.


"Do you think something like that will fly? In Hollywood? Or New York? Sean can't even walk yet," Britney reminded her.


Not to be outdone, Katie Holmes, the glowing squeeze of Hollywood hunk Tom Cruise has announced she is expecting. "Tommy Boy just touched me and I began to swell like a watermelon," she claims.


Also jumping on the baby buggy is star Julia Stiles who has announced that "Omen 666" will present the explosive birth of a little Nazi youth for Fox and its subsids, with all expenses paid, including a deluxe baby buggy for one out of the corporate pockets of the good folks at News Corp.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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