Written by Jalapenoman
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Wednesday, 12 October 2005

image for Katie Holmes' Pregnancy Causes Child Protective Services Inquiry
Katie Holmes is now expecting a baby by boyfriend Tom Cruise

Actress Katie Holmes has been seeing Actor Tom Cruise for several months with little more than media fanfare. Announcement this week of her pregnancy, however, caused Child Protective Services officials in California to open an investigation into possible child abuse.

"Hey," said investigator Sid Pedals, "this is California. We let our celebrities get away with having their little flings with under age kids all of the time. Look at Michael Jackson and his little boys, it wasn't us who prosecuted! Everyone and their dog probably had their wicked ways with Lindsay Lohan, the Olsen twins, Drew Berrymore, and Hillary Duff before they hit the legal age. We draw the line, however, when one of these little girls gets knocked up!"

"We're waiting to get a sonogram to determine just how old the fetus is. When we determine the date of conception, we can figure out how old she was when Tom nailed her. If she was still under age, and she looks it, then he's going to be sharing a cell with Bubba."

"Tom Cruise just seems to keep getting younger and younger and younger with his choices. We kind of figure that Dakota Fanning is next on his list. She's cute and she's blonde, and we guess that he will want to go back that way again as he has a history with blondes."

When asked how old he thought Holmes was, Eraser said: "Did you see Batman Begins? At the start, she was a little girl that couldn't be but ten at the most. I doubt that they spent more than eight years filming that movie, even if it did feel eight years long watching it in the theatre."

"No, she's got that pouty faced little girl look. If he's having to bounce around on couches talking about her, it may be because she hasn't yet graduated past her toddler bed, or something."

When asked if he had any advice for other actors in Hollywood, Eraser answered that "you guys just need to remember your protection when you screw around with our kids. We let you stay above the law and kill people, like O.J. and Robert Blake or molest little boys like Michael Jackson and the Catholic priests, but don't get our little girls pregnant or we'll come after you."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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