Written by triso
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Wednesday, 12 October 2005

image for "Kev" & "Brits" Call it Quits.
Britney and Kev's Christmas Card, 2005

HOLLYWOOD, CA
Hollywood's latest parents, dancer Kevin Federline (27) and pop-diva Britney Spears (23), have agreed to a trial separation due to irreconcilable differences according to press-manager Maria Tito. Custody of the couple's first son, Sean Preston will be decided at a later date.

TOTALLY HORMONAL
According to Mr. Federline, "She was totally hormonal, she wanted to name the baby 'Mango Bonaduce Federline' or 'Cherry Teacup Federline' if it was a girl." He added, "She also had no temper left and flew into rages with minimal provocation. She had the maids throw out over $30,000 of costumes from her last tour just because she thought her breasts were now too huge to fit into them. Once she made me sleep on the couch downstairs when I joked about her recent outsie bellybutton."

OLD HABITS DIE HARD
He also says that he warned Ms. Spears, "not to indulge her cocaine habit while she was breast feeding our son," to which she reportedly replied, "Put the fucker on formula. Call the doctor and tell her my tits have dried up. It's been nine months since I had a toot and I can't hold out any longer." She is also allegedly abusing alcohol, painkillers and diet pills. Mr, Federline confirmed this, saying, "She'll never make a comeback if she continues this way. I have talked to her until I was blue in the face but she just grabs another bottle of brandy and heads upstairs. She started on the painkillers during labor and has been taking diet pills since her debut album."

HASN'T MATURED
Basically, Mr. Federline told the Judge, Hon. Malcolm Twiit, that Ms. Spears is living in a fantasy world and is mentally unfit to care for their child. Ms. Spears was not present at the hearing as she was found to be in no fit state to make a public appearance. The Judge will give his decision this coming Friday in the Hollywood courthouse.

VEGAS CASHES IN
A quick check shows Vegas is currently giving 5-1 odds on Mr. Federline obtaining full custody of their child. The odds on Ms. Spears making a successful tour by February, 2006 has dropped to 1-2 with this new information.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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