Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 25 April 2011

image for The Producers of American Idol 'Adamantly Demand' That Contestants Lauren Alaina, James Durbin, and Jacob Lusk All Lose Weight
Lauren "Peaches" Alaina has been told by American Idol producers that she will have to cut out her daily Big Macs.

LOS ANGELES - In a move that has a lot of viewers of the top rated reality show American Idol up in arms, the shows producers have sent in-house memos to three of the remaining six contestants that they need to lose some weight.

The shows producer Simon Shindlebocker and the assistant producer Kyle Boot stated in their directive that American Idol is not just about singing, but that it is also about style, grace, elegance, and having a certain look.

Shindlebocker said that he cannot sit idly by and watch as possibly Lauren Alaina, James Durbin, or Jacob Lusk win the coveted title of American Idol knowing that each one is overweight.

He noted that he realizes that in the past three of the winners were overweight but that, that was then and this is now and he as the shows producer has the right to implement any rule or regulation that he sees fit.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Past American Idol winners who were overweight include Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, and Jordin Sparks.]

When one of the American Idol judges Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson heard about Shindlebocker's in-house memo to the three overweight contestants he replied that perhaps Simon (Shindlebocker) has forgotten that the name of the show is American Idol and not American Singing-Model Idol.

Jackson's comments got back to Shindlebocker who sent him an in-house memo saying that he demanded an apology or else Mr. Jackson would find himself applying for benefits at the Unemployment Agency.

"The Black Dawg," which is a nickname that Randy gave to himself apologized and said that on second thought Lauren, James, and Jacob do need to stop feeding their faces so damn much.

An unnamed insider with the show who spoke on grounds of anonymity stated that James (Durbin) can really put the away the beer. And that he can finish two family size bags of pretzels in one sitting.

He noted that Lauren "Peaches" Alaina is addicted to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Hostess Pink Sno Balls, Little Debbie Shortcake Rolls, and Big Macs.

And Jacob "Ebenezer Baptist" Lusk has a self-imposed quota of 35 buffalo wings per day.

"Peaches" Alaina when informed that she will have to put herself on a diet of carrots, celery, and six raisins per day yelled out five expletives that would even make Howard Stern blush.

In a related story. Simon Shindlebocker has defended his demand by saying that it has gotten to the point where 16-year-old Miss Alaina is going up one full dress size each week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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