Written by Pariah
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Friday, 22 April 2011

image for Popeye Dead After Eating E.Coli Tainted Spinach
Popeye in his reclusive years.

The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs announced today that Popeye the sailor had died after eating spinach that was tainted with E. Coli bacteria.

The USDA had issued warnings concerning possible bacterial exposure from tainted spinach a couple years ago, which had resulted in a massive recall of millions of cans and bunches of spinach and other affected vegetables. Nobody is entirely sure how the beloved sailor came to possess a tainted can, but suspicions are that it may have been bought some time ago and lost in the kitchen cupboards until recently.

"We recently cleared out some of the cupboards to collect canned goods to donate to the local food shelter. We did find some cans of spinach that had been tucked behind the cans of sourkraut and pumpkin pie mix we pulled for donation," the widow Olive Oyl remarked.

While the rest of the family are fine, long-time friend, Wimpy was also hospitalized but was deemed not critical and released after a few hours. Wimpy, long-time moocher and uninsured, was observed in the emergency ward soliciting donations to pay for his treatment. He was reported as telling folks "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a stomach pumping today."

Popeye had led a long and turbulent life. Having earned much fame and glory in his earlier years in the Navy, he became a Hollywood success when his life was made into an animated series. Unfortunately, fame was fleeting, as the sailor encountered misfortunes and scandals that would ruin his career.

First to strike was evidence that surfaced alluding to Popeye's having dodged service in Vietnam. As a long-time friend of the Bush family, Popeye was discovered to have leveraged his friendship to have strings pulled to prevent is having to serve overseas. Then came the drugs, which many say he may have acquired from Robin Williams, the actor who played Popeye in the live action movie. Finally, there was the adultery that nearly destroyed his marriage.

"I knew he had made some advances toward actress Shelley Duvall, who played the part of me in the movie, but that never went anywhere and I thought it was over," Olive Oyl remarked. "I was totally blind-sided when I came home early and found him in bed with Bluto."

Neither Bluto nor Popeye would comment about how far back their love/hate relationship may have changed from hate to love. Popeye did, however, admit to his bi-sexuality. "I am what I am, and that's all that I am," said Popeye the sailor man.

In the later years, Popeye had some troubles making ends meet, and became more and more reclusive from the public eye. He was able to secure enough money to support his family and prevent bankruptcy through product endorsements for Popeye's Chicken and Dickinson Movie Theaters.

Popeye is survived by his wife, Olive Oyl, their son Swee'Pea.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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