Ames, Iowa - Miss Mabel Normand, 33, has recently started a dating service for a class of people she says are "almost entirely left out of society" and spend most of their evenings watching re-runs of Monty Python, hunting down old clips of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore on Youtube and searching NetFlix for any satirical film they can get their hands on. Good luck on that!
"It's really a pathetic existence for most of these people, they have no one who really understands their sense of humor. Most of their friends simply don't 'get it' and that's a real shame."
Miss Normand, herself an avid satirist since the age of 8 when she wrote a short story about ducks swimming backward (well, she was only 8, it was a start), found her calling and realized early on that she might have to go it alone in life. Upon entering her teen years, the isolation became worse.
"I shared some of my stories with guys and they said, 'I don't get it.' In frustration, she designed a T-Shirt that said "I Don't Get It" emblazoned across the front. This was her one and only act of overt rebellion on behalf of other teenagers who were closet satirists, and it felt good. Real good. She was placed on suspension by the school and told never to wear the T-Shirt again - just another indication of how they 'didn't get it."
"At night I used to fantasize about being married to a satirist. Could there possibly be another one like me out there? It made me chuckle. I should have been crying, but as a lover of satire, I always cry through my tears. All satirists will know what I mean when I say this."
After spending years sitting home alone, pining away, hoping for a date or even a short conversation that amounted to more than, "Ma'am, do you need help getting those groceries to the car?" she decided to take the satirical bull by the horns and start a dating service for satirically minded men and women.
"We will have some rules, of course. Prospective members will have to fill out a lengthy questionnaire to insure quality. They will be asked such questions as ," Did you honestly, and for real, enjoy the movie Avatar?" If the answer is "yes" they will immediately be banned from the dating service." However, Miss Normand doesn't expect many applicants to answer "yes" to that question. "I'm confident we'll have a good, solid, satirical crowd, ready to rock the world! Or at least pretend to!"
One of her most important aims in starting the dating service is to insure that future generations of satirists will be born into the world.
"If men and women of similar tastes in comedic material cannot mate and procreate, what will become of the genre? It will die out, just like Peter Cook did when he drank himself to death and landed in an early grave. I don't want that to happen to anyone else again, ever ever. We must lead the way in creating babies and children with subtle wit. "
The dating service will be open for business within the month. "Our slogan will be, 'Satire or die! Satiricus Eternalius!"