Written by Honey West
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Topics: Hugh Hefner

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

image for Hugh Hefner Picks A New Blonde
The Playboy Bunny Ain't What It Used To Be

Hollywood - Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has reportedly contacted Westwood Memorial Cemetery in Los Angeles with a bombshell request: he no longer wants to be interred next to sex goddess Marilyn Monroe when he goes to that big hot tub in the sky.

Hefner has owned the crypt next to Monroe for many years and fans have always assumed that he would spend all of eternity snuggled up to the tragic blond hottie.

Westwood officials were stunned by Hefner's sudden change of mind and were at a loss to explain his decision.

The notoriously reclusive, silk pajama-clad smut king tried to evade reporters, but was ambushed by throngs of paparazzi as he wondered aimlessly around the Playboy mansion grounds stroking his pet peacock. He was humming quietly to himself and seemed lost in thought.

"Hey boys! Isn't it great! The war is over!"

War? The one in Iraq? In Libya?

"President Roosevelt is one of the greatest men who ever lived. Now that Hitler is gone, life can return to normal. I'm getting the next issue of Playboy ready to roll, and whoopee, it's going to be hotter than your grandpa's bootleg gin. The centerfold will be none other than Betty Grable!"

Mr. Hefner appeared to be living in 1945, which explains why Playboy magazine has repeatedly filed for bankruptcy and now primarily appeals to aging men 65 and over.

"Hef, is it true that you no longer want to be interred next to Marilyn?"

"Marilyn who? Marilyn Steiner my accountant? Aw, she's a great gal. But she's gonna be planted over at Mount Sinai Cemetery with her husband Irving. Don't be silly, you silly jokers! HAHA!"

After a lot of dibble dabble about his peacock and what he was having for lunch and how badly the grotto needed a good scrubbing with disinfectants, the assembled Paps were finally able to get the scoop.

"Gentlemen, since you're so doggone interested in where I'm going to be spending eternity, which of course won't be for a long long time since I'm only 27, I'll let you in on the secret. I've chosen the most beautiful blonde sex goddess of all time, Jean Harlow, as my crypt-mate. She died in 1936, less than 2 yrs ago, it seems like yesterday to me. In fact, it was yesterday, wasn't it? '36 was a great year. All the gals wore their hair in pincurls, that's why I love pin-ups so much. Pincurls! Ah Harlow. What a sexy broad! It'll be an honor to be near her for all time. Hey, I gotta run, we're having a silent film festival tonight in the main library and my good friends Rudolf Valentino and Clara Bow will be there. She's a really bad, hoochie coochie naughty girl!"

Officials at Westwood Cemetery indicated they were "pissed" about losing Hef's death business but have already made plans to sell his now empty crypt to an Arab oil tycoon, who like all Arab oil tycoons, is a huge fan of blonde, big breasted white sex goddesses and is also the only person in Los Angeles who can afford the $2.5 million price tag to occupy the most prime real estate in town.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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