Written by Honey West
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Topics: Cooking

Sunday, 17 April 2011

image for Food Network Launches New Show: "Real Time Food"
it takes a bloody long time to make one of these!

Hollywood - A new cooking show is getting ready to launch next month. Samantha Ivers will be the gal in front of the camera showing viewers what it really takes to make a meal.

Unlike the usual half-hour cooking shows, each episode of "Real Time Food" will be five hours long, which is more in keeping with how long it really takes to make a recipe, no matter how simple or complex. Therefore, viewers will need to set aside a proper amount of time for each episode, as they will take up the better part of a day.

This may necessitate re-arranging their personal schedule, such as cancelling their children's soccer game or missing an important exam at school or a wedding, but it will be well worth it in the end.

When asked what her first show will consist of, Samantha was bubbling with enthusiasm about the format. "My first show will instruct viewers how to cook frozen peas, with a hamburger patty and a salad. For dessert, chocolate cake is on the menu." And that will take five hours? Ms. Ivers answers with a confident and emphatic, "Yes!" I just had to ask: How so?

"Well, last time I tried to get a box of frozen peas open, it took approximately 15 minutes. The box was all hard and cold, it had no directions whatsoever as to which end was up, and I bashed away at the box until I finally got the darn thing open. I thought I'd never get at those peas, but I'm pleased to say I did, although I smashed my thumb pretty badly in the process."

And what of the hamburger patty? "I dropped the patty in the kitchen floor and it got all covered in dust but I washed it off, nobody even knew. It took about 20 minutes to salvage that little mess, but I did it! That's what's so time consuming about cooking, the boxes that are stuck and dropping things here and there.

"Then there's the problem of lost things. I couldn't find where I put the salt and pepper. I could have sworn I put it in the third shelf in the upper right hand cabinet but when I went to look for it, nowhere to be found. Took me 10 minutes to find the salt and pepper - I'd apparently moved it to a lower shelf when I made a meatloaf last week. So, there goes more time."

I inquired as to Ms. Ivers' opinion of Rachel Ray's very popular cooking show "30 Minute Meals" and suddenly a whirlwind of emotion greeted me. "What I have to say to Rachel Ray is that she darn well knows that it takes 30 minutes just to get into a box of peas or the lid off a damn jar! These hermetically sealed, child-proofed, galvanized packages slow down a cook, ya know? Rachel knows the truth, and my show, Real Time Cooking, will blaze trails into new realms of reality."

Is Ms. Ivers afraid that no one will watch a five-hour episode? "It has occurred to me, but if the viewers truly prize truth instead of lies, reality instead of fraud, the real joy of watching a real cook making real food with real mistakes such as hunting down salt and pepper and dropping the meat and bashing the box of peas, I'm sure my show will have a huge following in no time. Well, actually lots of time, because a lot of time must be devoted to my show, just as real cooking requires hours and hours and hours of time. Not this 30 Minute Meal nonsense!"

Well, that's it in a nutshell. Lots and lots of time needed for Real Cooking! Let your husband and children and anything else remotely important know far far in advance that you'll be totally unavailable that day. That way, they can send out for Chinese or pizza or something.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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