Written by Honey West
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Sunday, 17 April 2011

image for Gordon Ramsay's Real "Kitchen Nightmare" Revealed!
Gordon has no need for this utensil!

Hollywood and UK - Potty-mouthed "f" bomb slinging chef and star of reality T.V. show "Kitchen Nightmares" Gordon Ramsay broke down sobbing last night when his secret stash of "heat and eat" food was discovered in a grimy freezer he keeps in a ramshackle shed on his property in New Highgate Ramsted On The Heath. Reportedly, his wife accidentally stumbled on the freezer when she was looking for love letters to him from his mistress. Neighbors said they heard a shriek and pitiful whimpers coming from the Ramsay estate around midnight.

Upon his arrival home, he was angrily confronted with a mile high stack of evidence which he could not refute, which included American-style macaroni and cheese in a box, (also known as "mac n cheese"), 20 boxes of instant potatoes, 14 boxes of frozen pizza, pre-made pie crusts still in their pans and covered in shrink wrap plastic, imitation gravy mix, canned vegetables of all sorts, tinned meats such as the infamous Spam, and perhaps most shocking of all, imitation chocolate mousse mix. A filthy microwave was also found in the shed. It looked like it hadn't been cleaned in ages, covered in fingerprints and sticky with spilled food remnants and grease.

Apparently Mr. Ramsay went into shock and was rendered temporarily insane when his wife discovered the contents of the sinful hidden freezer. She ran in hysterics, clad only in a silk nightie with plunging cleavage, directly to her neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Thames Bennington. They told reporters that she was "clutching the mousse mix in one hand and the Spam in the other. Her eyes looked glazed, like a Christmas ham."

When reporters finally caught up with Gordon, it was clear that he'd been crying and had gone all red in the face with anger and distress. He had that "I'm going to have an effin stroke" look that he frequently displays in kitchens around the world, where he wags his accusing finger at hardworking, fine men and women whose only sin is to serve the very same pre-made mixes and "ding ding" food that he, himself, stuffs in his foul mouthed mouth every day.

"Mr. Ramsay, wouldn't you say this situation smacks of hypocrisy of the highest order, Sir?" to which GR replied," Fuck no! I bloody have no bloody time to cook! What the bloody hell! I'm too fuckin busy running these bloody damn restaurants, now I'm supposed to COOK while running my empire?! What the bloody hell do you think I fuckin am, Super-Fuckin-Man?"

When asked if he actually ate macaroni and cheese from a box, tears welled up in his eyes as he sprawled in the middle of the street sobbing. "Yes! Yes! I love the bloody stuff, alright? Satisfied? You've caught the big bad ole Gordo, you got me! I hate fresh food, always have! Fresh salmon makes me puke. Things out of a box just taste better. Every silly twat knows that! In the time it takes to fool with the fresh muck, I can have my ding ding comfort food and be back at work filled with energy, ready to attack and berate everyone in sight!"

When asked if she has plans to divorce her husband over the "fast food freezer scandal", Mrs. Ramsay shook her head. "No. I love him and best of all I love his bank account. Nobody's perfect. As far as I'm concerned, he can microwave himself stupid as long as he brings home the bacon."

Neighbors report seeing the freezer and shed being moved off the property, most likely to a more secure location out of reach of nosy reporters and prying eyes. We will keep you posted on all the latest developments!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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