Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Top Gear, The Stig

Monday, 11 April 2011

image for Detroit Man Revealed as Top Gear's New Stig
Fresh tires, please. I've melted mine and I can't get up.

Following all BBC Network protocols as well as a binding agreement with the Top Gear franchise not to reveal his identity, the new Stig, a regular test driver on the UK automobile enthusiast show, was shockingly confirmed to be from the Motor City.

Seen first at the Joe Louis Arena this past Friday in his fire retardant jumpsuit made from newborn Alpaca wool, the Stig was apparently not without his now famous racing helmet and vintage Yzerman All-Star jersey. Though never revealing his actual identity, he was seen at the Men's trough urinals with enough of his suit opened to reveal a "Made in Detroit" tee-shirt and a WRIF radio tattoo on his gentleman sausage. One patron apparently had to remind the Stig that the fragrant pink disks in the stainless bathroom fixture were not, in fact, breath mints. Following the game, the Stig reportedly tripped a winning Chicago fan on his way down the stadium stairs in a show of Stig sportsmanship.

The Stig was also seen on Saturday night at Baker's Keyboard Lounge protecting a full plate of ribs, two helpings of meatloaf, a fried pork chop sandwich, three sides of Mac & Cheese and one order of yams. While the crowd was fixed on the performance by the Johnny Trudell Quartet, his Stigness managed to consume the protein enriched calorie-fest without his face being seen. One patron caught a glimpse of his ample proboscis, but the Stig successfully hid the rest of his face while consuming the shovels full of meat and cheese.

Stig's East Side Detroit residency connection was confirmed later on Saturday night, while melting some cheap Bridgestone tires at the intersection of Gratiot and 12 Mile Road, courtesy of a loaned Dodge Viper and a prolonged red light. "The smoke was wicked awesone", said Tony Virante, owner of the Viper and a freshly blown set of 335/30ZR18's.

While the Stig's name remains a mystery and his preference for properly engineered road cars is well known, the glint of his smile could be seen through the visor whist running away from the approaching sirens and the dissipating mushroom cloud. Virante reports asking the Stig, "Hey, are you from around here?" as the Stig tossed him back his keys. The Stig only offered a brief "thumbs up" in response then made a dash across the road, jumping through a White Castle drive-through window. Despite local police best efforts, the man in the white suit and helmet was not seen again.

In a related story, a man attempting to board a Heathrow bound flight in a woman's Burqa and white helmet was detained at Detroit International Airport for refusal to show a picture ID with his passport. No word yet if the Stig was allowed to return for the next Top Gear series, filming this summer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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