HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Britney Spears, who passed up an opportunity to appear in the Twilight movie series due to a bad case of tonsillitis, recently dismissed the sexually provocative rumors regarding her and her BFF Mel Gibson.
Spears said that her and Gibson have been friends ever since she drove him home from one of her concerts after he told her that he was in no condition to drive due to a little bit too much Heineken Beer.
Britney says that on the way home Mel must have sung every single Bee Gees song that the band ever wrote. She said that she especially liked when he sang "Massachusetts" because in his condition the title came out "Massa Chut Says," which is the title of an old Southern Civil War plantation song that the slaves used to sing on the second Tuesday of every month, which was their one day off.
Spears said that when she got 'busted' in Australia for lip syncing entire concerts and was forced to return to the United States totally embarrassed no one except for Mel Gibson called her.
She said that he offered to go over to her house and talk with her. She pointed out that he had told her that she was one big bundle of nerves and he offered to massage her to get her to relax.
Spears remarked that Gibson did such a fantastic job of relaxing her and making her feel fantastic that she offered to pay him $200, Mel refused, of course.
When Britney saw Mel on the the Internets YouTube ranting and raving like a crazed mad man about his ex-future young wife Oksana Grigorieva, she immediately called him and offered him her shoulder to lean on.
Gibson drove over to her house and ended up not only using both of her shoulders but her left rib cage, and her left upper thigh as well but not in a sexual way, of course.
Britney will be turning 30 later this year. She told Mel that she is having a very hard time dealing with that. She is so afraid that her fans will leave her and gravitate towards much younger female artists such as Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, or Brenda Song.
She confessed that it terrifies her so much that she has started eating more than she ever has before.
Brit, as Barbara Walters calls her, said that she finds that she is spending a large amount of time in fast food drive thru lanes.
She admitted that just last week alone, she drove thru six McDonald's; four Wendy's; a Pizza Hut; and five Tacos, Tacos, and Mucho More Tacos.
Britney says that she has tried calling her BFF Mel but that she cannot reach him because he is apparently filming an Aflac commercial in Lower Zamgola, Africa.
A close friend of Britney's who did not want her name revealed said that if Spears keeps eating the way she is she will soon be able to start wearing some of Kirstie Alley's hand-me-downs.