MTV, the basic-cable cesspool that is single-handedly ruining the United States of America, accelerates said ruination by ordering twelve episodes each of two "Jersey Shore" spinoffs.
"Our research shows that there are still between 25,000 and 50,000 Americans who have respect for Italian-Americans and their culture," said Stephen Friedman, recently promoted to President of MTV. "That is just not acceptable."
The spinoffs -- "Paulie D.: Chunk-headed Human Douchebag" and "Stick Pickles In Me With Snooki Polizzi"-- will air in a completely revamped Thursday line-up on the once-vaguely watchable channel.
Jersey Shore will air from 8-9pm, Chunk-headed Human Douchebag from 9-9:30, and Stick Pickles In Me from 9:30-10pm, said the network in a statement.
"From 10-11, we will air four 15-minute 'showlets'," said Freidman. "We expect that the short-form shows; 'MTV Hates Dagos', 'Pick My Fruit, Spic', 'Late-Night With Cunnilingus Smurf' and 'C. Everett Koop and 50-Cent: A Love Story' will carry the time-slot for us."
Snooki is pleased about the new line-up: "WOW! WHOA! I f--king can't f--king believe this sh-t. Where's my personal assistant? Kizzie, order me a ham and cheese calzone! Anyway, what the f--k???"