MULHOLLAND DRIVE - Teen TV idol Selena Gomez along with renowned clothes horse and virtual reality TV starlet Kim Kardashian were reported tonight to have spent an inordinate amount of time pandering to the whims of Canadian bequiffed juvenile singing teen sensation, Justin (ooh-er Missus!) Bieber, by entertaining him.
In a field.
By pretending to be horses, and running about a lot, generally making complete idiots of themselves, whilst anaemic looking Twilight star Robert Pattinson observed the unsavoury goings on from behind a strategically placed bush.
It hasn't yet been made perfectly clear why Justin Bieber would want to have TV personalities running about and acting like horses, but he was said to be "well pleased" with the result.
Speaking from behind a big bush in hushed tones, Robert Pattinson told Skoob Entertainment News that he hadn't the faintest idea in hell what the heck it was all about, but admitted that he was somewhat stirred if not shaken by Kim Kardashian's snorting and hoof pounding.
"That's just weird," Rob allegedly said to somebody who wasn't even listening. "Still, it doesn't really matter either way to me, because anybody unfortunate enough to be reading this crap probably hit the back button before they even got started. But it's okay by me. I don't really give a shit about artistic integrity, but it will be a long time before I can get the image of Kim and Selena wearing skimpy tops on a cold day chewing the cud for Justin Bieber. It's just bizarre."
Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Emma Watson, Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, Barack Obama, Rush Limbaugh, Wayne Rooney, Bill O'Reilly, the late Judy Garland, Ellery Queen, Shaft, Jordan, Sherlock Holmes, Ed McBain, Ena Sharples, Ian Dury, the late Sid Vicious, Keith Lemon, David Brent, Basil Fawlty, Lady Gaga, a dejected Didier Drogba, Graeme Proctor out of Corrie, Muammar Gaddafi, Janet Street Porter, Alan Partridge, and Nick Clegg denied any involvement in this non-story.
"I did quite enjoy snorting like a horse though," admitted Selena Gomez.
Justin Bieber said that he didn't really give a shit either way, adding that in the interests of humanity, he'd rather take notice of the field.
Which, if you really think about it, is fair enough.
Maybe we're all up Shit Creek without a paddle...
More as we get it.