Written by Victor Young
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Monday, 26 September 2005

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Sony Pictures enters reality TV market to name the Next James Bond from Clive Owen, Hugh Jackman, Rikki Lee Travolta, Julian McMahon and others

Sony Pictures has announced that the mystery of who will be the next James Bond will be solved the way all decisions are made today: via reality television.

Top Bond contenders Hugh Jackman, Daniel Craig, Clive Owen, Rikki Lee Travolta, Julian McMahon, Goran Visnjic, and Ioan Gruffudd will battle it out each week before millions of viewers in a series of unique zany television competitions to determine who will be The Next Bond: IDOL, produced by Mark Burnett.

Each week the Bond combatants will be judged by a tribunal of former Bond actors: Sean Connery, Roger Moore, George Lazenby, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan.

In the series premier McMahon and Travolta faced off in a competition. Each hunk of potential Bond was paired with a professional designer and assigned to decorate his rival's home.

After seducing designer Hildi Santo-Tomas and female carpenter Amy Wynn Pastor in Octopussy-type Bond love fest, Travolta got down to business decorating McMahon's abode with a 70's disco motif.

Not to be undone, Never Say Never McMahon seduced designer Hildi Santo-Tomas, female carpenter Amy Wynn Pastor, and designer Frank Bielec before decorating Travolta's home in a soft core adult film motif.

Host Dave Navarro was initially enraged to learn Travolta had previously bedded his trophy wife Carmen Electra, but calmed after watching the video on the Internet.

"Way better than my videos," he said.

Of Travolta's decorating, Bond panel member Moore stated, "I'd have sex there."

Connery piped in, "I did have sex there."

Brosnan added, "I'm not too old to be Bond. Who says I'm too old to be Bond?"

Host Navarro next became enraged to learn McMahon had previously bedded both him and his trophy wife Carmen Electra along with three midgets, but calmed after watching the video on the Internet.

"The midgets were a great touch," he said.

Of McMahon's decorating, Lazenby stated, "I'd have sex there."

Connery piped in to Lazenby, "Who the Hell are you?"

Dalton came to the defense of Lazenby. "He once played Bond."

Connery piped in Dalton, "Who the Hell are you?"

Brosnan added, "I'm really not that old. I could still be Bond."

Next, Owen and Jackman were pitted against each other to sing INXS songs.

Owen led off with a fiery kabuki-inspired version of "A View to a Kill", hoping to wow the panel with the obvious Bond connection.

Jackman follow up doing a striptease while singing "Jessie's Girl", ending the song in a leopard thong.

Both contenders were eliminated for failing to choose INXS songs.

"Who's INXS?" the asked in unison while being led away.

Representatives of both men immediately released statements that they had turned down offers to be the next James Bond.

In the final face off of the episode, Craig and the Croatian guy from ER whose name nobody can pronounce were blindfolded and forced to eat plates of maggots.

The Croatian guy forced down the maggot meal and then asked if he could have sex in the rooms Travolta and McMahon designed.

Craig ate his plate of maggots with a hearty appetite and asked for seconds, saying it had more flavor than most food in Liverpool.

As the first episode came to a close it was announced that Gruffudd had been eliminated because he was so bland he blended into the walls and had been forgotten about. Instead, new contestant Mr. T would be introduced to the next week's competition.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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