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Topics: TV

Monday, 28 March 2011

NEW YORK, NY - There's going to be a new network in town soon, and it's already creating waves in the world of television. The NASTV network will begin transmissions next week, and the name says it all...nasty tv programming. What this channel plans to do will make every deceased television star from the sixties, seventies, and eighties roll over in his or her grave.

"We aren't in the business of new programming like the other guys." Roland Schmid, president of NASTV, declared recently. "What we plan to do is make the old stuff even better by rewriting the scripts and dubbing in voices to read the new dialogue."

The writers at NASTV are busy at work, and have been for at least the last year, rewriting dialogue for twenty-five quality family shows going back fifty years up through the 1980s. Some of the shows include "The Andy Griffith Show", "Little House on The Prairie", "The Waltons", and "Growing Pains".

The original voices of the characters from each program will be blocked out and new voices that sound very similar will replace them, saying totally new dialogue. It's this new dialogue which has critics screaming for the FCC to keep NASTV off the air.

"What they're planning is a travesty." Hubert Mayhew, chairman of the the Sunshine Coalition, a family advocacy group, said in a recent interview about the upcoming debut of NASTV. "To take perfectly good, clean, family-oriented programs and change the words to make them into dirty adult shows is appalling, and it won't be tolerated."

Essentially, NASTV writers are turning the G-rated scripts of the original shows into R-rated scripts that will boast obseneties, sexual allusion, and racial and religious slurs. The original scenes depicting normal benevolent activities will be reworked simply by the changes in dialogue, making the scenes appear more provocative.

"It's amazing how two visually identical scenes can seem like two completely different scenes when they're cleverly altered audially." Schmid commented, referring to the work his writers are doing on these old programs. "The shows are being given new life now after years of monotonous rerunning on other networks where they're simply getting worn out."

Schmid claims his network isn't trying to put a smudge on the positive history that classic television has enjoyed, but he feels it's time to refresh the stale, overbroadcasted shows that he thinks viewers are growing bored of. "The old shows have reached the end of their lifespan on classic television channels, and now we have a way to resurrect them in a new, fresh way. We here at NASTV are very excited about the start of this new chapter in television history."

Some examples of how the writers are revamping the dialogue in these shows have been shown to executives at various companies who wish to advertise on NASTV. Their reactions vary from deep enthusiasm to abject disapproval. Overall, however, advertisements are coming in at a strong pace, and it won't be long before NASTV has 100 percent of its commercial slots filled. Schmid is quite excited about how things are progressing. "We're almost ready to launch, and we're feeling pretty good about everything."

The true test of how successful this network will be once broadcasting begins is how the everyday viewer who is familiar with all the original programs feels about the upcoming changes in dialogue. It is difficult to imagine John Boy Walton cussing a blue streak at his family or Charles Ingalls talking dirty to his beautiful wife out in Walnut Grove. It's even harder to envision Andy Griffith telling Barney Fife to "put a fucking bullet in your damn gun before some fucker shoots your ass first."

For a fan of wholesome, old-fashioned programming, these new lines will be either an amusing alternative to or a deplorable butchering of the words spoken originally. "Depending on how you feel about the classics, you'll either hate what we're doing or love it." Schmid guesses. "Either way, we're going through with it, so get ready."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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